Awesome Stuff You Can Get Away With at Age 3

Get Your Hibachi On

Newmommy and I went out on a limb tonight and took Bud for hibachi. We figured it would either be really cool or a complete disaster. Bud is going through something of a whiny phase, and if you mess with her eating routine it only gets worse. It turns out- hibachi is a great place to take your young kids.

First of all, its loud, and the sizzling of the hibachi and clanking of the knives drown out any whining, crying or loud talking. Second, the "show" keeps kids occupied. Third, they serve a variety of food over the course of the meal, so if the kid doesn't like one or many items, there are still others to choose from.

Well, that was a pretty good seventh grade three-point-argument paragraph.

Bud did really well- she was in somewhat of a bad mood when we first got there. (Today was particularly tough as we spent the morning taking professional family photos. More on that later.) But, when the food started coming, she was trying everything and loving it...miso soup, fried rice, noodles, steak (I am so proud, she loved it!), chicken...this chick really went to town. She did get a bit freaked out when they lit the fire, but handled it very maturely...turning away, no crying, and clapping her hands when it was done. Oh, and she ordered rice from the waitress...looking at her and yelling "RICE!"

I recommend giving it a try.

Of Love and Nausea

"There's a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Joffe Joffer, Ruler of Zamunda

Bud had her one-year checkup at the pediatrician yesterday, where she got four (!) shots. The doctor warned us that she may have a reaction to them; perhaps a rash, perhaps a fever.

She didn't mention projectile vomit.

Your humble narrator got home from work last night as Newmommy was feeding Bud. It seemed like a typical night. As I was changing, I hear the sound of disgust from Newmommy (albeit somewhat muted, for Bud's sake, of course). Bud had thrown up all over her, the glider and the carpet. And, I don't mean spit-up or "cheese." I mean chunky, recognizable-food-pieces, if-I-was-in-college-I-would-have-someone-hold-my-hair-back barf. I recognized her dinner, but could not place the large orange chunks. Newmommy explained, "that was the cantaloupe I fed her at lunch." Yuck, how long does it take to digest?

I decide the division of labor...Newmommy, you go clean yourself up, and then the chair and floor. I will clean up Bud and give her a (second) bath.

I chose poorly.

Just as I picked her up, she puked all over me! Either my baby eats more than anyone I know, or that throw-up contained some of the weekend's meals.

Baby throw up. Priceless.

P.S. When did they come out with the Chicken Pox vaccine? What's first grade going to be like without two-weeks of sitting in a bathtub of Calamine lotion?

Toilet Humor

Pop quiz, hotshot. You're at a friend's house and you've really gotta take a whizz. You go into the guest bathroom and, on top of the toilet seat is the plastic "mini-toilet seat" that your friend uses to train his three-year-old. You can't quite lift the toilet seat, as the mini-toilet doesn't go up all the way. Oh, and you're a guy. What do you do...what do you do?

A. Remove the mini-toilet seat and reattach it when you are done.

B. Do the pee-while-holding-the-seat maneuver.

C. Find an alternative to the bathroom: a third or master bathroom, behind a tree outside, the sink....

D. Hope that your aim is on.

A is a bit of a pain, and, if you're like me, sometimes those clip/strap adjustable things don't work out quite right. C may not be an option in some houses, during the winter or if there are a lot of people around. And we all know the risks of B and D.

Thoughts?

Oh, and if our dinner hosts from last night are reading this, you can rest easy...your toilet seat went all the way up, so I did not need to resort to any questionable methods.

Or did I?

Bud's First Solid Food!

Today we reached a milestone in Bud's life: her first solid meal. Of course, it was a rice cereal mixed with formula...one part cereal and a few hundred parts formula, so it was more "soup" than "solid," but, nevertheless, technically, it was her first solids.

The meal went something like this:

We fed her a few ounces of her normal breakfast bottle. Then, we moved the feeding into the kitchen and spoon-fed her the cereal. At first, she tried to suck the spoon, as she doesn't know how else to eat. Then, confusion set in...she looked at us like "what the heck are you doing to me...where's my bottle?" As time went on, it looked like she was getting the hang of it, but not doing too well; most of the food went all over her mouth and bib. Still, she didn't seem angry or frustrated, and she didn't cry. She actually seemed a bit excited between spoonfulls, and I'm not sure if that was excitement for the food, or an expression of something else.

Newmommy told me that "The Book" warned that during a baby's first feeding, the baby may look insulted. (Where's my real food...why are you giving me this?) That's hysterical.

Oh yeah, and as she kicked during her mid-feeding breaks, she managed to kick the bowl out of Newmommy's hands and knock some of the cereal onto the table. So, out of the whole bowl, I would say: 20% landed on the table, 30% got on her bib, 20% made it onto (but not into) her mouth, and the rest was eaten. 30%...not bad. Of course, that's a guess.

So, congratulations to Bud!

P.S. And, if that wasn't enough...Bud confirmed that she has the whole back-to-tummy roll down. We found her face-down at the end of her nap.

Deuce....deuce and a half, not bad!

Bud was constipated for a few days; and it looked really uncomfortable. Not that I think adult constipation is a picnic, but at 4-months old, it's really gotta suck. Taking a dump at that age looks terrible...first of all, you're sitting on your parent's lap. The privacy factor is just gone. Then...you don't even have the pleasure of a toilet...you've got to sit in it until you're changed.

But the worst part looks like the pushing. Being four months, Bud has no idea how her body works, so when she pushes...she pushes! Her face turns red and she let's out a loud grunt. (Like the visual?) Lately, when she's done, she let's out a "wehew......" When that's over, I feel like she should have gotten more than a dump, she should have gotten a prize!

Anyway, her constipation ended yesterday with authority...if you know what I mean. And what's weird is: I'm psyched. I feel like she accomplished something. That's fatherhood- being psyched about a four month old dropping a deuce.

The Newdaddy Soundtrack (or Newdaddy's Day Off)

Newmommy threw her back out, so I stayed home from work today.

Here was my day: first, I convinced my very nervous best friend to steal his father's car. We then went and picked up my girlfriend, and then drove into the city. Wait, no, that wasn't me.

Oh, yeah, now I remember...if my life were a TV show, today's the episode where I learn what it's like to be Newmommy by taking care of Bud all day.

Yes, it's hard, and yes, I am exhausted. Although in all fairness, I tried to hold down the fort here while "working from home." That probably was not smart. I did have fun with Bud, though, as I had the rare opportunity to play with her all day.

She's found her thumb, she has short bursts of giggles and I think she's close to discovering her feet.

So it's time to eat, and she's all wound up. So, I thought some singing would calm her down. Admittedly, I am not much of a singer, but there's something about parenting and singing that just go together. I am sick of all the kid's songs lately, so I sang whatever came to my head....here's tonight's soundtrack:

• "Ice Ice Baby," Vanilla Ice
• "U Can't Touch This," MC Hammer
• "Three Little Birds," Bob Marley & The Wailers
• "I Shot the Sheriff," Bob Marley & The Wailers
• Theme to "The Facts of Life"
• Theme to "Diff'rent Strokes"
• Theme to "Family Ties" (which about two lines in, I realized I didn't know)
• Theme to "Silver Spoons"

Still trying to figure out what happened there....how do you go from Bob Marley to "The Facts of Life"?? No clue.

My Daughter the Comedian

Try to picture this as if it were a scene from a movie:

4:30 this morning. It's daddy's night to handle feedings, and we're a good three or four ounces in (and my nipples are killing me...) She hasn't burped in about two ounces, so, to avoid a spit up situation, I try to burp her. I try the over-the-shoulder maneuver, the seated-on-lap position, even the patented Newmommy trick (which I'll get into in a future post). Ten minutes go by...nothing.

"OK," says Newdaddy, "You don't want to burp...I'll give you a little bit more, but I don't want to play the spit up game!"

The nipple barely touched her lips before we were both covered in spit up.

So, I take her to the changing table, clean her up and change her. When it's all over, she pauses, looks at me, and lets out this enormous burp. Then gives me a knowing smile.

I get the joke. Very funny.

P.S. If I didn't know any better, I'd also think that she's flipped me the bird a few times. She must just be getting used to her hands....'cause she's not supposed to want to flip me off for another six or seven years.

That's not sushi....

Well, toilet training is now no longer a problem for parents, thanks to this instructional video from Japan...

Some things are better left untranslated.

Well, I'm an Idiot

"Frank: You can't run the ad and then not run the story."
"Fletch: You can't? Why not? Shit. Really?"
- from "Fletch"

OK, I changed my mind about that live-blogging of the middle-of-the-night feeding. It would have been very easy to just delete that post, but I figure I'd be up front with you. Here are my reasons:

(1) Posting that would have made me a hypocrite. I specifically said that I didn't want this blog to be a "Minute-by-Minute My Baby Is....blog." I know why you read Newdaddy, it's because of my integrity. And I would hate to let you down.

(2) Bud slept "through the night." There really was no middle-of-the-night feeding. We put her down at about 12:30am, and she woke me up at 6am.

(3) I don't even own a tape recorder. Tape recorder? I don't even own tapes. I have one of those mini-recorders, but I keep that in the office.

(4) The feeding was uneventful. It would have been a terrible post. No spit ups, very quick burps, and a reading of "Hippos Go Berserk."

There you have it...a little bit of honesty.

Spitup Live!!

Stealing an idea from a friend of mine, I will be live-blogging tonight's middle-of-the-night feeding. Of course, I won't be at the computer...I will dictate into a tape recorder and post tomorrow.

Reminds me of a joke: "Can I borrow your dictaphone?" "No, use your finger like everyone else."

Calling the Shit "Poop"

As Billy Madison would tell you, there are quite a few names for "poop." Problem is, when you try to have a serious conversation with an adult (especially a doctor) about the digestive health of your baby, there is really no good word to use. That's because words for "poop" fall into three categories: (1) kiddie-words like doodie, poop, poopie, caca, plop and doodle, (2) vulgar/obscene words like shit, crap, dump and load and (3) medical words (that sound strange coming from a non-doctor): stool, fecal matter and bowel movement. You can't win!

Now, back to our first family post-season game! (Yankees vs. Tigers. Yankees up 5-0.)

I Suck at Burping

I remember it clearly: I was eleven years old watching "Revenge of the Nerds." Dudley "Booger" Dawson just beat Ogre in the belching contest at the Adams College Greek Festival. As an eleven year old, I was pretty good at belching myself...college was going to be awesome.

And now burping seems to be one of my fatherhood flaws. Not me burping, of course, but burping my daughter. I feed her an ounce or two, put her over my shoulder to try to burp her...nothing. I hold her in the "seat" position and try to burp her...nothing. I figure maybe she doesn't have to burp, and continue feeding her, and then hear from the other room "She needs to burp...don't start feeding her again!." Aargh!

AND, for some reason, whenever I burp her, I end up having to burp! I am totally doing this wrong. Booger would be so disappointed.