Not-So Newdaddy

[Note: my posts typically follow a logical line of reasoning in order to establish or discuss a single theme. In honor of my surviving my first year of fatherhood, I have decided to waive that rule for tonite. Thanks for indulging me.]

Today marks the last day of my first year as a father. The question that keeps running through my head is the same question that has been haunting me since one-year-ago tomorrow: am I a good father? It's a really tough question to answer; especially because the real tests probably have not hit me yet.

Fatherhood is a unique experience for which no one can prepare you. Sure, everyone can give you the same "warnings" (lack of sleep, diaper changes, etc.), and the typical "advice" (buy this stroller, use this magical product), but what nobody tells you is that none of that really matters. When I think back about the previous year; the sleepless nights, diaper changes, feedings, burpings, etc. are secondary to the major events: the first babble, the first crawl, the first word...even the time the little stinker broke my glasses. I doubt I will remember any one dirty diaper; but I remember hundreds of specific smiles.

(That's not exactly true, we were at the diner once and Bud decided it would be a good time to take a dump. She pushed and pushed, her face turned bright red and her eyes were tearing. It was as if she was passing a Toyota through her digestive system. I was terrified to change that diaper. When we opened it up; the poop was the size of a pea. I will never understand the physics of baby poop, but will always remember the "Princess and the Pea Poop.")

(Oh yeah, I probably will remember the dump she took on the way to Puerto Rico. Anyway, now that I've disproved my point....)

Bud turning one blows my mind. A buddy of mine said, "wow, one year old, that's, like, a real person." (I guess we know what his view on abortion is...)

And, while we're on the subject, where's this blog going after one year? I'm not sure, but I've received two comments that the baseball theme has overtaken the fatherhood theme. Here's my response to that: for a blog to be good, it's got to have a topic. Blogs that simply record a random person's thoughts are often times unreadable. However, good blogs are also ones that tell stories, and it's hard to tell interesting stories when you have no color on the characters. I am not "all-daddy." So, I'm going to throw in my other interests from time to time. Just be glad I don't bring up any work-related topics.

I'm going to go to bed now. One year ago tonight, I "slept" on the "cot" on the hospital floor. Tonight promises to be a lot more comfortable. Oh yeah, Newmommy's night will probably be a bit more comfortable, too.

Potpourri

• Bad Parenting?: Are there any other fathers out there who, when reading nursery rhymes, can't help but think of Andrew Dice Clay's renditions from the early nineties? "Hickory, Dickory, Doc...."
  
• New Toy: Apparently, daddy's glasses are more fun than any Leapfrog talking, singing, put-it-together, battery-operated toy. Bud's not hard to please. Grab daddy's glasses from his face, shake, then eat.
  
• Update: Bud's smile seems to be developing into this face-scrunch over-smile, which is very cute. I've seen this from a lot of babies around this age.
  
• Observation: It seems that every time I bad-mouth a Yankee, they end up proving me wrong. (For example...) With that in mind.... man, that Abreu, Damon, Cano, Cabrera, Menkwekwiskch....., can't seem to get a hit lately.
  
• P.S. I do realize that it's Igawa, not Ikawa...but it's transliteration anyway, right?

[Edit (2:10pm), bottom of the third- Doug Mientkiewicz, 3-run HR vs. Tavarez (BOS). It's scary. I sure don't think Wang can strike out every remaining batter...]

Daddy, I Want an Oompa Loompa NOW!

Dear Cher's Parents from the episode of "My Super Sweet 16" I saw in a hotel Sunday morning,

We don't know each other, but I'd like to thank you.

This weekend, my wife and I took our first weekend getaway from our four-month-old daughter. We had left her for a night before, but never a weekend, and I was worried that I was a bad parent for wanting to take a weekend away with my wife. But, I realize after watching your show that I am actually a great parent.

Admittedly, I am not a usual viewer of MTV's "My Super Sweet 16." Until Sunday, I really didn't know that there was a show about girls getting ridiculous Sweet 16 parties. But, it was early in the morning, and "I Love New York" wasn't on for another few hours. Also, after one minute, I was hooked, as watching this show was like watching a train wreck...it just kept getting worse and worse...from the $96,000 jaguar birthday present, to the $15,000 earrings, to the four dresses (by the way dad...you should be arrested for letting your girl out in that!), to the whiny scene where Cher complains that her PARTY ENTRANCE FLOAT wasn't perfect.

My wife and I quickly went from thinking that your daughter was a brat, to thinking you're just bad parents. I quote a very esteemed group from our history:

"Who do you blame when your kid is a brat? Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat. Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame. You know exactly who's to blame. The mother and the father."

Am I just complaining because I'm jealous? Maybe. I would love a $96,000 car, as I would have when I was in 10th grade. But I really hope that your daughter can cope with real life when she 'wants' something that you can't give her, and she can't get it.

But, in the end, I realize that leaving a baby with the in-laws for a weekend is hardly bad parenting and, so, I thank you for putting my life in perspective.

Yours,

Newdaddy

P.S. Make sure she's REALLY CAREFUL around golden egg chutes. Dad, you may want to take that advice too.

Thank You Mario! But our princess is in another castle!

Dear Mother and Father Sitting at the Next Table Over at about 8pm Tonight at the All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Bar on 81st Street With the 9-year-old With the Gameboy,

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you're taking your child to sushi bars at a young age (even though you did order him the teriyaki...that's like going to a Brazilian bar-b-que and ordering the fish). But, rather than talk to the kid, you two talked to each other and let that kid play on his f-ing Gameboy for an hour straight! You know what I did...I had to listen to that stupid Mario Brothers music...and now I can't get it out of my head!

Don't you realize that you should be teaching your kid to interact, and not to just be addicted to his little electronic toys. ...wait a minute, my blackberry is buzzing.

You know what else I heard? Your asinine conversation. "Brothers and Sisters is the best show on TV." Are you serious? You should have been arrested just for saying that! Day Break....DAY BREAK!?!?! Am I the only one who realizes that's a rip-off of Groundhog Day?? Maybe it's a good thing you let that kid play on that Gameboy.

All my best,

Newdaddy

P.S. Are you missing any hidden messages in your kid's video games??

No More Infant Cell Phones

Yet again, my big mouth asks a seasoned parent for helpful advice, and yet again I am thrown in the midst of a simple-issued-turned-parenting-controversy. This week: Pacifiers.

"I would never give my kid a pacifier...parents who use a physical object to calm down their kids aren't really parents."

"Pacifiers are good! Why let a kid cry all night if all they want to do is have a sucking sensation? Plus, pacifiers are known to reduce incidents of SIDS!"

"Shampoo is better, I go on first and clean the hair." "Conditioner is better, I leave the hair silky and smooth!" "Oh really, fool!"

Fact is, I am a bad parent because I have not yet picked an "issue." So, here goes...I am staunchly anti-cell phones for infants. Now, I know what you're thinking. Cell phones help infants gain communication skills. Plus, with all of the video games on cell phones, it helps hand-eye coordination. If you think that, you shouldn't even have kids.

First, cell phones really interfere with feedings. How often have you tried to feed your infant, and they're talking away on their phones? Then, milk spills on the phone, risking electric shock! Second, babies do not have the cognitive ability to stay below their allotted minutes, or to differentiate between days, nights and weekends. Therefore, they blow right through their anytime minutes...and us parents end up paying the overages! Finally, and I don't mean to be ageist, but babies have the stupidest ringtones. "The Wheels on the Bus" was never meant to tell someone they have a phone call.

Same goes for giving blackberries to infants. Unless, of course, they need it for work. Then I guess it's OK.

P.S. Do I smell a subway series??

Two Controversial (but Stupid!) Issues: Part 2

"Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers."
- Homer Simpson in "The Simpsons"; "The Crepes of Wrath"

...continued from Last Thursday's post.

Question: do you find out the sex of the child before it is born? Chances are, if you are a parent, you had a decisive "YES" or "NO" by the time you got to that question mark. Somebody explain to me why this is such a controversial topic, because I don't understand.

Newmommy and I made the decision not to find out; it really could have gone either way, but in the end we decided that it would be just more exciting for us to find out when she delivers. When we tell fellow notfinderouters, we usually get a triumphant: "Good!! We didn't find out either and it was SOOOO exciting!! You guys are doing the right thing!!" as if we just validated their religion or something.

To those who did find out, we get a defensive: "Oh...Why not? We found out, and it was just so much easier knowing. Why wouldn't you find out?" ...like we told them that their parenting is wrong.

I don't think our decision not to find out was right, merely right for us. I just don't see why people are so passionate about what seems to me to be a simple personal preference. Like choosing a favorite coffee:"Oh, you like Dunkin' Donuts.....you sick bastard!! Twelve flavors my ass!! They only brew two, and the rest are syrups!! Jerk."

Baby Beastie Boys

Tonight, Newmommy and I had dinner with an old friend of mine from college who has an 11-month old. We get in his car (with child), and the CD player continues from wherever it left off on Mother Goose's Greatest Hits...or some children's CD. Apparently, he and his wife won't play anything else when the kid's around...and I know they are not alone.

I have been given many warnings about the irritating, repetitive children's music that I'm going to have to put up with....and have been told that I will know the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" better than I knew the lyrics to "Parents Just Don't Understand" eighteen years ago.

But, why is this? Why don't parents just play a mix of kid's songs and whatever the parents enjoy? That way, the kid will learn to appreciate different types of music at an early age.

I imagine that some parents fear 'objectionable' radio material: either the music is too loud, too rough, too obscene for their kids. I can't say I buy that- there are plenty of kid-friendly radio stations.

Do parents play it because the kids demand it? Not at age 11 months! My guess, prediction, hope, is that if I favor Hot Tracks, XM Channel 46 to 'Wheels on the Bus', I may end up with a kid who can appreciate Pink Floyd....

...and then perhaps we can share a doobie.

P.S. I want to thank F-Train for spreading the word about Newdaddy. I urge my readers reader to check out his poker blog.

Two Controversial (but Stupid!) Issues: Part 1

"MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?"
"OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?"
- From Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"

You may have noticed that in my last post, I referred to Bud as a "he." No, we have not found out the sex. I am using "he" as a gender-neutral pronoun. Apparently, that is no longer acceptable.

Some say you should replace "he" with "he or she"...that seems like a waste of breath. Alternating between "he" and "she" (a la Babycenter) is just plain confusing, and the use of "they", a plural pronoun, in place of "he," is grammatically incorrect.

Yet, whenever I refer to Bud as "he"...it is usually followed by "Oh, you know the sex?" or "it could be a she!"

According to tonight's conductor of the A train...and I am going to take this as historic fact...in 1984, the Minnesota legislature ordered all of the gender-specific text of their statutes to be amended to be gender neutral.....it took two years to complete!

So, I'm going to keep saying "he"...as in the end, it will be less costly on taxpayers.

Now, whether you should find out the sex of your baby...that's a controversial issue.

TO BE CONTINUED....

P.S. Congratulations to K.C. for sweeping the Red Sox!!!