Don't you just love Google Analytics? It allows you to see what people entered into their search engine to get to your website. Let me share some of my recent favorites with you:
1. "focking," "double focking," "focking breasts." Proves the Avenue Q statement "The Internet is for Porn." I set up an innocent blog about what it's like to be a new father, and somehow...somehow, it attracts porn seekers. (Actually, they probably caught my optimistic post about how good the second "Meet the Parents" sequel will be.)
2. "wet bed blog" Yuck. A whole blog about it? I guess my idea for a "Spitup Blog" may be worth something after all.
3. "what does an erection look like" I know someone who failed eighth grade health! Sorry I couldn't help you there, sport.
4. "bon jovi in las vegas checklist" Hair drier? Check. Tight Jeans? Check. Guest passes to the Crazy Horse? Check.
5. "eight month old baby won't sleep late" What a unique problem! You mean you have to wake up before 8am? You're not alone...my baby hasn't gotten a job yet.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Two Newdaddys
The Newdaddy club welcomed two new members yesterday.
First, a college buddy of mine had a little girl yesterday morning; their first! I want to wish him and his whole family an AMAZING time with their newest addition!!
Also, a childhood friend of Newmommy's had a little girl yesterday. I want to wish her, and her husband (another first-time newdaddy) a big Mazel Tov!
Bud's playgroup is expanding by the day!
First, a college buddy of mine had a little girl yesterday morning; their first! I want to wish him and his whole family an AMAZING time with their newest addition!!
Also, a childhood friend of Newmommy's had a little girl yesterday. I want to wish her, and her husband (another first-time newdaddy) a big Mazel Tov!
Bud's playgroup is expanding by the day!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
DJ Newdaddy (or, eating my words)
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I eat my words. In my pre-daddy days I posited a theory that was scientifically disproved today. From a post dated three weeks prior to Bud's birth:
The reason, loyal readers, is that the kids ask for the music. Today, Newmommy, Bud and I were in the car heading to see the Newgrandparents Committee. XM46- Top Tracks was on, (I think we were listening to some Skyyard), when all I hear in the back is "uhhh....uhhh....uhh." It wasn't a cry, but rather a minorly irritating whine. So, I switched on her "Music Together" CD. The "uhhhs" immediately stopped. About twenty minutes later, I flipped the radio back on...the "uhhhs" restarted; the CD went back on, the "uhhhs" stopped.
This scene was repeated on the car ride back. Apparently "uhhh...uhhh" is babytalk for "Excuse me, Daddy, but would you please turn off this music that you are obviously enjoying and put on "Music Together", "Baby Einstein", or something by Sandra Boynton or Laurie Berkner? If you refuse this demand, I will make an annoying sound until you comply....ready, go!"
So much for my musical theory.
"I have been given many warnings about the irritating, repetitive children's music that I'm going to have to put up with....and have been told that I will know the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" better than I knew the lyrics to "Parents Just Don't Understand" eighteen years ago.
But, why is this? Why don't parents just play a mix of kid's songs and whatever the parents enjoy? That way, the kid will learn to appreciate different types of music at an early age."
The reason, loyal readers, is that the kids ask for the music. Today, Newmommy, Bud and I were in the car heading to see the Newgrandparents Committee. XM46- Top Tracks was on, (I think we were listening to some Skyyard), when all I hear in the back is "uhhh....uhhh....uhh." It wasn't a cry, but rather a minorly irritating whine. So, I switched on her "Music Together" CD. The "uhhhs" immediately stopped. About twenty minutes later, I flipped the radio back on...the "uhhhs" restarted; the CD went back on, the "uhhhs" stopped.
This scene was repeated on the car ride back. Apparently "uhhh...uhhh" is babytalk for "Excuse me, Daddy, but would you please turn off this music that you are obviously enjoying and put on "Music Together", "Baby Einstein", or something by Sandra Boynton or Laurie Berkner? If you refuse this demand, I will make an annoying sound until you comply....ready, go!"
So much for my musical theory.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Lowering the !@#%$ing Crib
At the tail end of last week's Budcation, Newmommy and I decided it was time to lower the crib. The crib has three settings, and we wanted to take it from the highest to the lowest. It is a seemingly simple procedure which basically involves removing the screws attached to the metal arms that hold up the mattress, shifting the arms back to the lowest position, and resetting the screws into the last set of holes. This is a very challenging task, however, if the screw holes don't quite match the lowest position of the metal arms.
The afternoon thus turned into an episode of the most cliche' family sitcom.
Wife: [Husband], would you please lower [Baby's] crib?
Husband: I'll do it later, I'm watching the game.
Wife: But my parents are coming back with [Baby] in a few hours!
Husband: Fine, I'll do it now.
Wife: Can I help?
Husband: No, I can do it myself. I also will leave the toilet seat up and not ask for directions on our next road trip.
[Silence, followed by expletives.]
Wife: Is everything OK in here?
[More expletives.]
Wife: Should I call the store to ask them how to do it?
Husband: I am doing this right, the !#%$* crib is just broken.
[Brady Bunch-type dissolve to show the passing of time and the quick changing-of-the-mind].
Husband: OK, call the store.
Anyway, the rest of the story involves us going to the store, the guy looking at us like we're idiots, and them confirming that what we were doing was, in fact, correct (I do realize that those who know me are fully convinced by now that I was simply not doing it right; I promise you, I was!) Screwdrivers were involved where they probably should not have been; as was a wire hanger...don't ask...but it did work. Bud is now the proud owner of a crib on it's lowest setting.
If and when #2 comes around, I'd buy another crib faster than I'd reset that f-ing thing.
The afternoon thus turned into an episode of the most cliche' family sitcom.
Wife: [Husband], would you please lower [Baby's] crib?
Husband: I'll do it later, I'm watching the game.
Wife: But my parents are coming back with [Baby] in a few hours!
Husband: Fine, I'll do it now.
Wife: Can I help?
Husband: No, I can do it myself. I also will leave the toilet seat up and not ask for directions on our next road trip.
[Silence, followed by expletives.]
Wife: Is everything OK in here?
[More expletives.]
Wife: Should I call the store to ask them how to do it?
Husband: I am doing this right, the !#%$* crib is just broken.
[Brady Bunch-type dissolve to show the passing of time and the quick changing-of-the-mind].
Husband: OK, call the store.
Anyway, the rest of the story involves us going to the store, the guy looking at us like we're idiots, and them confirming that what we were doing was, in fact, correct (I do realize that those who know me are fully convinced by now that I was simply not doing it right; I promise you, I was!) Screwdrivers were involved where they probably should not have been; as was a wire hanger...don't ask...but it did work. Bud is now the proud owner of a crib on it's lowest setting.
If and when #2 comes around, I'd buy another crib faster than I'd reset that f-ing thing.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
A Yanks/Sox Victory
The Red Sox nation and the Yankees Universe (evil empire, whatever you want to call it) each saw victories last night. The Yankees, of course, beat the Red Sox 6-2, and your humble narrator, as an attendee, improved his season record to 2-1.
Watching Bud was Newnana and Newgrampy (for those new to the blog; Newmommy's parents). Newgrampy is Yankees fan who (with Newnana, also a Yankees fan) taught their little girl well. Newgrampy is somewhat of an optimist...when our team is down, his mantra is: "we got 'em right where we want 'em." True to form, he has posited a theory, which will be known as the "Newgrampy Theory." Prior to Sunday night's victory over the Mets, the Bombers were 10 1/2 games out. According to Newgrampy, "[the Yankees] will take 3 back in June, 3 back in July, 3 back in August, and be in first place in September." I thought it would be fun to track this, and will add a little tracker on the sidebar of this blog.
The Red Sox saw a victory last night as well (thankfully, not on the field). The Sox nation grew by one last night as Soxlover entered the Newdaddy club. Congratulations to Soxlover and the whole Soxlover family!
Watching Bud was Newnana and Newgrampy (for those new to the blog; Newmommy's parents). Newgrampy is Yankees fan who (with Newnana, also a Yankees fan) taught their little girl well. Newgrampy is somewhat of an optimist...when our team is down, his mantra is: "we got 'em right where we want 'em." True to form, he has posited a theory, which will be known as the "Newgrampy Theory." Prior to Sunday night's victory over the Mets, the Bombers were 10 1/2 games out. According to Newgrampy, "[the Yankees] will take 3 back in June, 3 back in July, 3 back in August, and be in first place in September." I thought it would be fun to track this, and will add a little tracker on the sidebar of this blog.
The Red Sox saw a victory last night as well (thankfully, not on the field). The Sox nation grew by one last night as Soxlover entered the Newdaddy club. Congratulations to Soxlover and the whole Soxlover family!
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