What Kind of Blog Is This?

Don't you just love Google Analytics? It allows you to see what people entered into their search engine to get to your website. Let me share some of my recent favorites with you:

1. "focking," "double focking," "focking breasts." Proves the Avenue Q statement "The Internet is for Porn." I set up an innocent blog about what it's like to be a new father, and somehow...somehow, it attracts porn seekers. (Actually, they probably caught my optimistic post about how good the second "Meet the Parents" sequel will be.)

2. "wet bed blog" Yuck. A whole blog about it? I guess my idea for a "Spitup Blog" may be worth something after all.

3. "what does an erection look like" I know someone who failed eighth grade health! Sorry I couldn't help you there, sport.

4. "bon jovi in las vegas checklist" Hair drier? Check. Tight Jeans? Check. Guest passes to the Crazy Horse? Check.

5. "eight month old baby won't sleep late" What a unique problem! You mean you have to wake up before 8am? You're not alone...my baby hasn't gotten a job yet.

Two Newdaddys

The Newdaddy club welcomed two new members yesterday.

First, a college buddy of mine had a little girl yesterday morning; their first! I want to wish him and his whole family an AMAZING time with their newest addition!!

Also, a childhood friend of Newmommy's had a little girl yesterday. I want to wish her, and her husband (another first-time newdaddy) a big Mazel Tov!

Bud's playgroup is expanding by the day!

DJ Newdaddy (or, eating my words)

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I eat my words. In my pre-daddy days I posited a theory that was scientifically disproved today. From a post dated three weeks prior to Bud's birth:

"I have been given many warnings about the irritating, repetitive children's music that I'm going to have to put up with....and have been told that I will know the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" better than I knew the lyrics to "Parents Just Don't Understand" eighteen years ago.

But, why is this? Why don't parents just play a mix of kid's songs and whatever the parents enjoy? That way, the kid will learn to appreciate different types of music at an early age."

The reason, loyal readers, is that the kids ask for the music. Today, Newmommy, Bud and I were in the car heading to see the Newgrandparents Committee. XM46- Top Tracks was on, (I think we were listening to some Skyyard), when all I hear in the back is "uhhh....uhhh....uhh." It wasn't a cry, but rather a minorly irritating whine. So, I switched on her "Music Together" CD. The "uhhhs" immediately stopped. About twenty minutes later, I flipped the radio back on...the "uhhhs" restarted; the CD went back on, the "uhhhs" stopped.

This scene was repeated on the car ride back. Apparently "uhhh...uhhh" is babytalk for "Excuse me, Daddy, but would you please turn off this music that you are obviously enjoying and put on "Music Together", "Baby Einstein", or something by Sandra Boynton or Laurie Berkner? If you refuse this demand, I will make an annoying sound until you comply....ready, go!"

So much for my musical theory.

Lowering the !@#%$ing Crib

At the tail end of last week's Budcation, Newmommy and I decided it was time to lower the crib. The crib has three settings, and we wanted to take it from the highest to the lowest. It is a seemingly simple procedure which basically involves removing the screws attached to the metal arms that hold up the mattress, shifting the arms back to the lowest position, and resetting the screws into the last set of holes. This is a very challenging task, however, if the screw holes don't quite match the lowest position of the metal arms.

The afternoon thus turned into an episode of the most cliche' family sitcom.

Wife: [Husband], would you please lower [Baby's] crib?
Husband: I'll do it later, I'm watching the game.
Wife: But my parents are coming back with [Baby] in a few hours!
Husband: Fine, I'll do it now.
Wife: Can I help?
Husband: No, I can do it myself. I also will leave the toilet seat up and not ask for directions on our next road trip.

[Silence, followed by expletives.]

Wife: Is everything OK in here?

[More expletives.]

Wife: Should I call the store to ask them how to do it?
Husband: I am doing this right, the !#%$* crib is just broken.

[Brady Bunch-type dissolve to show the passing of time and the quick changing-of-the-mind].

Husband: OK, call the store.

Anyway, the rest of the story involves us going to the store, the guy looking at us like we're idiots, and them confirming that what we were doing was, in fact, correct (I do realize that those who know me are fully convinced by now that I was simply not doing it right; I promise you, I was!) Screwdrivers were involved where they probably should not have been; as was a wire hanger...don't ask...but it did work. Bud is now the proud owner of a crib on it's lowest setting.

If and when #2 comes around, I'd buy another crib faster than I'd reset that f-ing thing.

A Yanks/Sox Victory

The Red Sox nation and the Yankees Universe (evil empire, whatever you want to call it) each saw victories last night. The Yankees, of course, beat the Red Sox 6-2, and your humble narrator, as an attendee, improved his season record to 2-1.

Watching Bud was Newnana and Newgrampy (for those new to the blog; Newmommy's parents). Newgrampy is Yankees fan who (with Newnana, also a Yankees fan) taught their little girl well. Newgrampy is somewhat of an optimist...when our team is down, his mantra is: "we got 'em right where we want 'em." True to form, he has posited a theory, which will be known as the "Newgrampy Theory." Prior to Sunday night's victory over the Mets, the Bombers were 10 1/2 games out. According to Newgrampy, "[the Yankees] will take 3 back in June, 3 back in July, 3 back in August, and be in first place in September." I thought it would be fun to track this, and will add a little tracker on the sidebar of this blog.

The Red Sox saw a victory last night as well (thankfully, not on the field). The Sox nation grew by one last night as Soxlover entered the Newdaddy club. Congratulations to Soxlover and the whole Soxlover family!

Weekend Roundup

Q: How are the Bon Jovi tribute band concert I went to on Friday and the 1-year-old birthday party I went to today similar?

A: I knew all the lyrics to all the songs at both.

P.S. You've gotta love Adult Swim.

New Jersey Newdaddy

Dear Unmarried Men of the World,

Being married is a wonderful experience; so is having children. My wife is the greatest friend and companion I have ever known, and having a baby is extremely rewarding. I wouldn't change it for the world. But, before you go down that route, I have some advice for you...

First, get your ass to Jersey. Newark is the best airport, but La Guardia and Kennedy will do just fine. Then, find yourself a Bon Jovi tribute band, like the one I saw last night in Hoboken. Go to a concert, and enjoy the ridiculously favorable ratio of women to men.

Now, of course you're going to have to get past the fact that you're at a Bon Jovi tribute band concert. Think of it as a "tourist experience," you're in New Jersey, might as well go all out.

Some of you also may need to get past the fact that you're in New Jersey. If that is the case, you are not worthy of my advice. Go and try to find odds this good in Boston...if the bar doesn't close before you get a chance to do so.

Why, you may ask, do I know this? What was I doing at a Bon Jovi tribute band concert? I really don't have a good answer for that question. Neither does Newmommy or the other couple we were with. One reason could be that, as a native New Jerseyanite I grew up on this music. I first heard "You Give Love A Bad Name" at a roller-rink in second grade. (Don't know if it was during "all skate" or "couples.") The first CD I bought was the soundtrack to "Young Guns 2." So, I wouldn't call myself a fan...but the theme night definitely had its appeal.

There you have it. Advice from the learned and married.

Yours in Jersey,

Newdaddy

Budcation

Newmommy and I are taking our second Budcation this weekend. I took Thursday and Friday off from work; she dropped Bud off at her parents, and we are baby-free for three nights.

We think it's good for everyone involved: Newmommy and I get some time alone to do the things we used to do before we were a family of three (like sleep in, go to dinner without having to rush back to relieve the babysitter, etc.), the Grandparents get some QT with Bud, and Bud...well, aside from having QT with Newnana and Newgrampy, we think it's good for her not to spend every minute with us...in the end it will make her more comfortable with new environments and separation from us when it's time for her to go to school. Or at least that's my justification.

Of course, this does not feel like time before we were a family of three (and it's not because Newmommy is much smaller than she was during those last few months...) Our house seems really empty and quiet. I've been doing my after-7 whisper at night, before realizing that I can be as loud as I want. Also, back in the old days, I do not recall regularly flipping through my cell phone pics, or watching the video snippet of a baby going "da da da da."

I'm not saying we're not having fun...yesterday we did a "best of" tour of some of the NYC spots we enjoyed while I was in law school, including an overpriced PB&J spot, the oldest bar in the city, and the best burger joint in town. (I am going to omit what we did from about 2:30pm to 5pm, because we were watching some obscure sporting event whose outcome I am trying to block out.) Tonight we have some interesting plans, although I am going to save that for another post. So, we're having a good time.

I guess the take-away here is that, as a parent, you can never recapture your pre-parent life, even during a Budcation. That's fine...on the balance, "da da da da" makes it all worthwhile.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-velopment (post script)

Newmommy pointed out that I mistakenly omitted a part of yesterday's story. It turns out that the other kids that Bud was hanging out with were "da da da"ing all day. Could it be that my little girl was so taken by the eight-month-old "in" crowd as to imitate them? Next thing you know, she's going to want to wear makeup, get earrings and get a puppy.

It's interesting because I think this is the first time Bud has explicitly imitated something. Probably not the last.

Friends of ours recently (re-) joined the Newparents Club and, although I like to maintain some form of anonymity on this blog, I want to wish them a 'Congratulations' on their recent addition.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-velopment

A few weeks ago, I (wrongfully) declared Bud's first word to be "hi!" She didn't say her first word today either, but she did- out of nowhere- begin repeating syllables, which I understand is a milestone on the vocal development time line. Apparently, Newmommy and Bud were leaving a friend's house when Bud started giggling. When she was finished, she started repeating "da da da da, ba, ba, ba, ba" and continued until about half an hour ago when I put her to sleep.

At about 5pm, Newmommy calls me, puts Bud on the phone, and all I hear is "da da da." It made my day.

And now, da da da is going to go root-root-root for da-da-da-troit.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to Newmommy, Newgrandma, Newnana and all of the mommies out there, new and old...uh, I mean, experienced...

Ms. Popularity

About four years ago, Newmommy (then Sort-of-Newwife) and I made the move from Manhattan to New Jersey. Although, technically, where I live is zoned "urban," it's hard to contest the fact that this was our move to the suburbs. After all, it's Jersey...one giant suburb (what else would it be...the state is known for its diners and malls!) It was simply the next step in the chain of inevitable events in my life: move in with girlfriend, get engaged, get married, move to suburbs. (If you're scoring at home, the next step was "have baby." Check.)

Around the time of the move, Newmommy and I had a solid base of friends still in the city. Our weekends were spent with our friends in Manhattan, still convinced that we really lived in the city and hadn't taken the suburban plunge. Around the same time, my then-employer realized that I had a talent for drafting and reviewing long documents late at night. Taken together, it left me very little time to put effort into making friends in my New Jersey neighborhood. So, here we are, 2007, and although my work schedule has been reduced thanks to a change in jobs, Bud kindly fills a lot of that otherwise free time. So, my NJ social network consists of Newmommy and Bud.

The same can't be said for Bud. She and Newmommy joined a playgroup a few months ago, and now, she's apparently hip to the N-J scene. We could be walking around our neighborhood, and be approached by people who recognize her, but not me. "Hi, [Bud], is this your daddy?" There you have it, my little girl is more popular than I am. At eight months she's developed more advanced social skills than I have in over thirty-one years.

I can see it now...it's the year 2017, and we're taking Bud to her first concert. Tickets were hard to get, so I only managed to score lawn seats. We enter the arena, ten-year-old Bud flashes her back stage pass, and they wave her onto the VIP line. The guard puts his arm up, blocking me. "It's OK," says my little social princess, "he's with me."

I Bet She's Great in the Crib (post script)

As I descended the escalators at Port Authority this morning, I was greeted by a giant banner for Six Flags' Great Adventure, complete with a picture of Bugs Bunny, advertising their newest wooden roller coaster. The caption read, I swear, "It's Good to Have Wood."

Now, I'm not disputing the truth of that statement. But, does an erection joke really need to be side-by-side with Bugs?

(I was going to take a picture, but I'd look like a friggin' idiot standing in the middle of Port Authority taking a picture of a Great Adventure ad.)

I Bet She's Great in the Crib

True story:

Newmommy is in Gymboree with a bunch of other moms and babies. One of Bud's "friends" was particularly limber, showing great ease on much of the equipment. Another mommy in the group was apparently quite stricken with this, and observed: "you can tell that she'll be good in bed...look at all of those positions she's able to get into."

Do I need to point out how wrong that is? No, of course not. But, I will.

An eight-month-old should not be scored on her sexual ability. I'm sorry, I don't care what positions the girl can get into...it should be years before sex should even be inferred in relation to that kid. (Unless, of course, you're talking about how she came to be.) As far as I'm concerned, an eight-month-old whose good in bed is one who goes to sleep when she's put down, and doesn't wake up until 7:30. Even at four-years-old...if she's good in bed, it means she doesn't wet it.

Needless to say, Newmommy and the mother of the would-be sexual dynamo were taken aback by this comment.

Breasts Express

My very first words on this blog were: "nothing elicits stupid comments from total strangers more than telling them you're expecting a child." I was wrong. Simply walking in a public place with a baby in a stroller tops it...by far.

Newmommy and I were at Au Bon Pain yesterday, feeding Bud. (No, she's not up to the Chipotle-Tuna Wraps yet...) Two old ladies began talking to us, and somehow the topic turned to one of the ladies' daughter's breastfeeding habits. (I don't even need to continue this story for the experience to be strange....until parenthood, discussing breasts was not a public-place thing; it was limited to sixth grade health, college dorm rooms and spring break. But for some reason, elderly women feel the need to discuss their child's boobs with me and my wife. Great.)
Anyway, as it turns out, Booblady's daughter is going on vacation, leaving her child with her mother. But, she's breastfeeding, so over the next few weeks, she is pumping some extra milk so that there's a supply when she's gone.

"Won't she get engorged?," asks Newmommy.

"No," says Booblady, "she's pumping while she's away and sending the milk home on dry ice."

I know there's a school of thought out there who believes that "every sperm is sacred" (or maybe I just saw that in a movie once), but I did not realize that applied to breast milk. Go figure.

A few other notes, while I have your attention:

• A buddy of mine found this on YouTube. This was on cable a lot in the early nineties, but I haven't seen it since. Recently, this guy was the mime in the "Aristocrats."
  
• If you haven't seen Sarah Silverman's Comedy Central show...I recommend it. That chick is funny.
• Happy learned how to putt! Uh, oh!! (In all seriousness, we better take out a friggin insurance policy on his hamstrings.)
  

Blame it on the Teeth

Bud is not a crier. Yes, we got very, very lucky. When she's upset, she simply moans a lot. So, when she cried throughout tonight's dinner (or, throughout the time when Newmommy and I tried to feed her dinner), we were obviously concerned.

We went through the "upset" checklist:
(1) Hungry? Well, no, we're feeding her, so it can't be that.
(2) Gassy? Nope. We stopped, burped her, she gave us a few, and we continued. Still crying.
(3) Dirty? Nope.
(4) Tired? She is tired, but she's crying way more than usual for just being tired.

So, we did what every parent of a 4-10 month old would do. Panic, and then blame it on the first possible thing we can think of...she's teething. We've blamed quite a few issues on teething, and, mind you, she has no teeth yet. But, when she starting sucking on Newmommy's finger...and then the teether...like it was the only thing that could prevent her agony...well, I think that's a pretty good indication that a tooth may be on the way. Now, I've mistakenly declared a "milestone" in the past, so let's not jump to conclusion until we actually break out the Crest. It may soon be time to fight those Cavity Creeps...."we make holes in teeth..."