Newmommy is a Champion

Yes, I realize that I have previously commented on the cheesiness of certain other daddy-blogs. But, as we approach the end of Newmommy's pregnancy, I wanted to recap the expert-style with which she handled her first pregnancy.

Month 1: Rocked out in Montreal for New Year's Eve, despite being extremely tired as the pregnancy took over. (Yes, Montreal...and, yes, it was f-ing cold.)

Month 2: What's with all of those blood tests and other uncomfortable-looking probes??? Ugh...I could never do that.....

Month 4: Took a cruise through the Panama Canal...making a stop to actually go kayaking in Gatun Lake.

Month 5: Watched the Yankees beat the Red Sox (7-3, W: Mussina) at Yankee stadium. (Up and cheering with the rest of us!)

Month 8: Spent an entire wedding on the dance floor (dancing) as other pregnant women whined about swollen feet.

Month 9: Delivering a baby...I mean, I could never do that....(true, she hasn't done that yet, but, just the thought of it...)

Oh...and not once did I have to leave the house at 2am to get a pint of Ben & Jerry's double-mocha-banana split ice cream with a bag of gummy bears for mixin'.

So, a toast to Newmommy....this Bud's for you!

Who Loves You, and Who Do You Love?

Video Clip: Richard Dawson (a.k.a. Damon Killian) involved in what may be an accurate prediction of Newmommy's delivery month.

P.S. Knowing certain unnamed members of my audience may not be so techno-savvy...when text looks like this...it is a link to another website relevant to the text itself. (Knowing this makes this particular post a bit more interesting!)

Chicken Vindaloo Was a Bad Choice

Based on a one-evening study, I can confirm that spicy food and garlic does NOT induce labor. It does, however, induce upset stomach, sour stomach, heartburn, acid indigestion and diarrhea which, although may feel as painful as giving birth (OK, ladies, probably not), did not cause Newmommy to deliver.

This experiment took place Thursday night at our local Indian hotspot. Newmommy, uncomfortable as she enters week number thirty-nine, wanted to test out the rumor that spicy food induces labor. We also heard that garlic induces labor, so we thought a spicy vindaloo dish with garlic naan would be perfect. Dinner at eight, delivery by ten.

Newmommy orders the Chicken Vindaloo, eliciting a warning from the waiter..."that is very spicy, the spiciest thing on our menu....it is a nine out of ten." I'm a big fan of spicy food, and figured I could handle it; Newmommy, I thought, in her normal condition probably could too. However, given that we didn't need another reason for her to be uncomfortable, I suggested we settle on the Tandori Chicken.

Newmommy simply cites Rule #76 of Wedding Crashing: "No excuses. Play like a champion." (Man, I love this chick.)

This Chicken Vindaloo was deadly. The water was flowing, we were sweating, and by the end of the meal, both of our stomachs were on fire. It was delicious, but it was a bad choice.

One hour later, stomach aches...but no baby.
Two hours later and some Tums....no baby.
3:00am...I had some time to catch up on the book I was reading in the bathroom...Newmommy asleep sans contractions.

By 11am Friday (at the office), I was still burping up whatever spice was used in that dish. Conclusion: spicy food and garlic does not induce labor.

Results to be published in "Parents Killing Time Before Childbirth" Magazine.

10 Conversations I'll Be Glad Not to Have Again

Another of the perils of having a pregnant wife is that you tend to have the same conversations over and over. As we reach the middle of Newmommy's thirty-eighth week, I happily anticipate not having to have any of the follow ten conversations again (or, at least until Bud II is conceived):

1. How poorly babyproofed my house is (breakables everywhere, lots of staircases, etc.)
2. "Breastfeeding: when should it end?" (Or the similar conversations: "Is Newmommy Breastfeeding?" and "Breastfeeding is a personal decision, don't let the Boobnazis pressure Newmommy.")
3. Your life is going to change. (In all of its forms, including: "You're going to lose sleep", "Enjoy going out to dinner now", "Don't plan any vacations for a while", etc.)
4. "Is your hospital bag packed?" Yes, my friends...it is.
5. "You're going to be changing lots of diapers...do you know how?" Shit. Literally.
6. "Make sure you help Newmommy...she's going to be very tired!" Will she? Thanks for the marriage tips. You mean Newmommy's not going to be ready to do this all herself? I wish someone told me that before I got into this.
7. "Do you know what the sex is?" (Including the use of 'he' to mean the yet-unknown sex of the baby or whether it is better to find out the sex before the baby is born).
8. "Are you going to take time off from work?" This conversation annoys me solely based on the number of times a day I have it. Yes, I will be taking two weeks off.
9. Any conversation involving a graphic description of the delivery and/or the umbilical cord and/or my involvement in the cutting of the umbilical cord.
10. Any conversation involving the flaws in my plan to get Newmommy to the hospital.

Two Controversial (but Stupid!) Issues: Part 2

"Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers."
- Homer Simpson in "The Simpsons"; "The Crepes of Wrath"

...continued from Last Thursday's post.

Question: do you find out the sex of the child before it is born? Chances are, if you are a parent, you had a decisive "YES" or "NO" by the time you got to that question mark. Somebody explain to me why this is such a controversial topic, because I don't understand.

Newmommy and I made the decision not to find out; it really could have gone either way, but in the end we decided that it would be just more exciting for us to find out when she delivers. When we tell fellow notfinderouters, we usually get a triumphant: "Good!! We didn't find out either and it was SOOOO exciting!! You guys are doing the right thing!!" as if we just validated their religion or something.

To those who did find out, we get a defensive: "Oh...Why not? We found out, and it was just so much easier knowing. Why wouldn't you find out?" ...like we told them that their parenting is wrong.

I don't think our decision not to find out was right, merely right for us. I just don't see why people are so passionate about what seems to me to be a simple personal preference. Like choosing a favorite coffee:"Oh, you like Dunkin' Donuts.....you sick bastard!! Twelve flavors my ass!! They only brew two, and the rest are syrups!! Jerk."

Bad Parenting (or Enjoy Your Last Few Weekends)

(Today's Originally Scheduled Post: "Bad Parenting")

In the spirit of being fair and balanced, I give you an example of bad parenting. Let's play a little game called "What's wrong with this picture?"

Right. The kid is wearing Red Sox gear. Bad parenting. Bad, bad parenting.


(Today's Actual Post: "Enjoy Your Last Few Weekends")

As Newmommy and I approach B-day, lots of people are telling me to "enjoy my last few weekends of freedom."

This weekend, I did.

Friday: Yankees over Red Sox 12-4, 14-11.
Saturday: Yankees over Red Sox 13-5.
Sunday: Yankees over Red Sox 8-5.
Monday: Yankees over Red Sox 2-1.

Good Parenting Volume 1: Wassaaappp!

I'd like to begin a feature on Newdaddy called "Good Parenting" which will highlight exemplary parenting skills. (For example, teaching kids the difference between a filet and New York strip, explaining the finer points of the infield fly rule, etc.)

For my first entry: check out this video. Daddy must be so proud.

True, true.

Baby Beastie Boys

Tonight, Newmommy and I had dinner with an old friend of mine from college who has an 11-month old. We get in his car (with child), and the CD player continues from wherever it left off on Mother Goose's Greatest Hits...or some children's CD. Apparently, he and his wife won't play anything else when the kid's around...and I know they are not alone.

I have been given many warnings about the irritating, repetitive children's music that I'm going to have to put up with....and have been told that I will know the lyrics to "The Wheels on the Bus" better than I knew the lyrics to "Parents Just Don't Understand" eighteen years ago.

But, why is this? Why don't parents just play a mix of kid's songs and whatever the parents enjoy? That way, the kid will learn to appreciate different types of music at an early age.

I imagine that some parents fear 'objectionable' radio material: either the music is too loud, too rough, too obscene for their kids. I can't say I buy that- there are plenty of kid-friendly radio stations.

Do parents play it because the kids demand it? Not at age 11 months! My guess, prediction, hope, is that if I favor Hot Tracks, XM Channel 46 to 'Wheels on the Bus', I may end up with a kid who can appreciate Pink Floyd....

...and then perhaps we can share a doobie.

P.S. I want to thank F-Train for spreading the word about Newdaddy. I urge my readers reader to check out his poker blog.

Bud may be a redneck...

Newmommy's due date puts us in the running for a $50,000 prize offered by Country Music Television to the first baby born during the premier of Jeff Foxworthy's new show.

Newmommy has already shot down my idea to auction off naming rights to Bud..."Continental Airlines" would make such a good kid's name. And, hey, if Budweiser won the auction, we wouldn't have to change the name as it is now!

P.S. We have already given dibs on the $1,000 "finder's fee." Sorry.

Something to look forward to...

Not only do current fathers warn me about the perils of fatherhood (my next door neighbor today: "get your sleep in now!"), Yahoo! is now on my case. Apparently, according to them, I have a 10% chance of getting postpartum depression.

From last Monday's HealthDay News:

"Almost as many new fathers as mothers suffer depression after the birth of a child, a new study shows. About 14 percent of mothers and 10 percent of fathers showed signs of moderate or severe postpartum depression, according to the study, which followed more than 5,000 members of two-parent families."

Read the article.

Orientation

Admittedly, I am not much of a blogger. I tried one once, posted three posts, realized I wasn't so into it, and pulled the thing down.

A good friend of mine is an avid blogger, and is the author of a very popular blog. (I don't want to give away his anonymity, maybe later...) We got to talking about Newmommy's pregnancy (she's beginning her 37th week) and how many funny, strange, quirky things a man has to go through during the process. He thought that would be a good topic for a blog, so I figured I'd give it a try.

I searched the web to see if this has been done. Lots of "New Father" blogs that broke down into three categories:

(1) "I love my child" blogs. "[My baby] is the snuggliest, loviest, blessing I have ever received." Nothing wrong with loving your kids...but these blogs tend to be cheesier than a large Domino's.

(2) Minute-by-Minute My Baby is...blogs. "3:15pm. My baby just peed on me." "3:17pm. My baby just moved an arm." I'll call CNN.

(3) Helpful tips. "Use Pampers deluxe 425 instead of 426 because the fabric on the tush is softer." Again, nothing wrong with that, but I'd like a different theme.

I want this blog to be about the experiences a dad goes through as a dad. I don't want to make you sick with how much I love my kid, or be a resource to fathers about the products available. I want to focus on the important stuff...that's why I put up some MLB links so that people can easily go from here to sites that will be helpful in raising their kids.

Who am I kidding? When the kid comes, I probably won't have time for this.

Two Controversial (but Stupid!) Issues: Part 1

"MRS. MOORE: Is it a boy or a girl?"
"OBSTETRICIAN: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?"
- From Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life"

You may have noticed that in my last post, I referred to Bud as a "he." No, we have not found out the sex. I am using "he" as a gender-neutral pronoun. Apparently, that is no longer acceptable.

Some say you should replace "he" with "he or she"...that seems like a waste of breath. Alternating between "he" and "she" (a la Babycenter) is just plain confusing, and the use of "they", a plural pronoun, in place of "he," is grammatically incorrect.

Yet, whenever I refer to Bud as "he"...it is usually followed by "Oh, you know the sex?" or "it could be a she!"

According to tonight's conductor of the A train...and I am going to take this as historic fact...in 1984, the Minnesota legislature ordered all of the gender-specific text of their statutes to be amended to be gender neutral.....it took two years to complete!

So, I'm going to keep saying "he"...as in the end, it will be less costly on taxpayers.

Now, whether you should find out the sex of your baby...that's a controversial issue.

TO BE CONTINUED....

P.S. Congratulations to K.C. for sweeping the Red Sox!!!

Bud's Crib....seriously.

Bud's not even born yet...and he's already displaced me from my former home office...

Elihu...will you come loofah my stretch marks?

Newmommy is 36 weeks pregnant. According to the hostess at the diner...and I am going to take this as a medical fact...if Newmommy has not gotten stretch marks by now, she's not going to get them. Nice.

I thought stretch marks were a post-pregnancy thing. Your skin stretches as the baby grows, and suddenly, when the baby is gone, the "loose" skin shows signs of stretching. Guess I was wrong- how naive of me.

Now, why I was talking to the hostess at the diner about stretch marks is another story altogether. And I'll let you know when I figure that one out.

your life is going to change

Nothing elicits stupid comments from total strangers more than telling them you're expecting a child. Admittedly, women have this much worse...Newmommy (or, more accurately, Almostnewmommy), in the worst of the recent oppressive heat wave, was given the very helpful advice not to stay outside for too long. (Please, anyone who can figure out the mechanics to get pregnant in the first place should be able to figure that out). She's been told over five hundred times she's carrying a girl...over a thousand it's a boy, and has been given breast feeding tips from women who have not breastfed since the Truman administration.

To a man, however, its always the same comment..."Your life is going to change."

Just so you know...I am aware of this. I've seen the movies...It's 3:12am...I have the big presentation at 9...The baby's crying..."Honey, it's your turn", blah, blah....

To the defense of some, it is often followed up with "It's great, but, your life is going to change." More often, however, it's "get those nights out, nights of sleep, movies, etc. in now."

It scares me...not so much because of the truth of the statement...I do realize that my life will change. Rather, the focus seems wrong. When I (and probably every man) got married, I was scared. Scared because I knew EXACTLY what (more accurately, who) I would be giving up. However, other than the fact that I was getting Newmommy for the rest of my life, I didn't know what it was going to be like. No wonder it's scary...you live your life every day and suddenly it's totally different. However, on THIS side of the wedding, I can tell young engaged guys that, if you have indeed found the right woman, you're getting more than you are giving up.

So, shouldn't the same be true with having children? Shouldn't the experienced fathers be telling me that I should be looking forward to a general life improvement, and not focus on the loss? Is it that most guys just don't enjoy being fathers? Or is it the same BS hazing-the-new-guy that we got before starting high school. I hope it's the latter.