The Newdaddyies: Daddy of the Year

I'm accepting nominations for the highly coveted "Newdaddy! Daddy of the Year Award." The Newdaddy! Daddy of the Year for 2006 will be announced in January, and will be given to the person showing excellence in the field of daddying. Nominees must be famous fathers (I'm sure your dad is great...sorry), real or fictional, dead or alive.

And, keeping with the spirit of this blog, the entries need not be serious. I'm not looking for tear-jerking stories of heroism.

To enter, send the name of your nominee along with a short statement as to why he is your pick for Daddy of the Year to: mrbuddaddy [at] yahoo [dot] com.

THIS COMPETITION IS OPEN TO LEGAL RESIDENTS OF THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES, ALASKA OR HAWAII, OR A NATION THAT IS NOT THE UNITED STATES. Nominations will be accepted until December 31, 2006 at 11:59pm, or whenever I go out that night, whichever is earlier. Employees (and their immediate families) of Newdaddy! , Newdaddy! Enterprises, Newdaddy! Holding Company, Newdaddy! Partners, Ltd., and Argon Chemicals, Inc., and each of the foregoing parties' respective affiliated companies, and subsidiaries, are not eligible to submit nominations, unless they are really, really good. By submitting a nomination, entrants agree to be bound by the Official Rules and by the decisions of Newdaddy, which are final in all matters unless Newmommy overturns Newdaddy's decision, in which case, I guess I'm screwed. Void where prohibited, unless an exemption is available. Shots do not hurt other players, yet. Winning nominee will not receive anything except their name and biography posted on this blog, which should be enough, dammit!

iBaby

My portable XM Radio is broken, so I sent it back to get fixed as it's still under warranty. Unfortunately, that leaves me with nothing to listen to on my morning commute but my own thoughts, which are not as entertaining as Opie and Anthony.

This morning, I got to thinking...iPods are taking over the world. It seems like everything is designed to plug into an iPod, or have an iPod plugged into it: furniture, cars, airplane seats. I dare you to walk into a Sharper Image and find something that's not compatible with an iPod. (OK, don't do that, but you get my point...)

My mind wandered to a prediction made by a relative of mine (who will remain nameless). He believes that in a few years, people will be able to go to a store and buy replacement body parts. I wonder if these body parts will be compatible with iPods also. Wouldn't that be convenient? Plugging an iPod right into your arm?

No, it's actually pretty disturbing. I want my XM radio back.

Book Report: Goodnight Moon

"Goodnight Moon" by Margaret Wise Brown, illustrated by Clement Hurd, is a children's classic book originally published almost sixty years ago. Every parent I know has this book in their child's collection.

And I just don't get it.

Now, there are some very cool features about this book. As the book progresses, the time on the clock gets later, the room gets darker and the moon gets higher.

But who the hell can sleep with all that's going on in that room? There's a red balloon, a rabbit in the bed and another sewing (since when are rabbits 'old ladies' anyway?) , freaky pictures of animals, cats, mice, and a bowl of mush that's no doubt stinking up the room.

I had a similar issue with Sandra Boynton's "The Going to Bed Book." These animals all take a bath together (and I'm not even going to go there...), put on their pajamas, and then go work out! Who can sleep right after working out...especially in sweaty pajamas?

All in all, however, these books put my little girl to bed, so I guess I'd recommend them despite the fact that I just don't get them.

And, far be it from me to mention "Goodnight Moon" without mentioning this famous rendition!

What I'm Thankful For...

My family has a rule. Yeah, we do the cheesy go- around -the -table -and -say -what -you're -thankful -for at Thanksgiving dinner. But, we take the Wheel-of-Fortune approach and knock out the "health and family" category (because that's what everyone would say). It's not that we're not thankful, it just makes for a better conversation this way. I'm working on my list...

• Diaper Decor. My house doesn't smell like feces...how could I not be thankful?
• Tivo. What did parents do before Tivo? Miss their shows for feedings? That's stupid.
• The white noise machine. I think it works, as Bud has developed some good sleep habits. More on that later.
• Newmommy (OK, I'll break the rule)...she doesn't make me get up to do night feedings on school nights.
  
• "The Office"...that's just a good show.
• YouTube. And the creative parents who post videos.
• Paternity leave....really came in handy this year.
  

That's what I've got so far. I still have about 17 hours to go.

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving everyone! I think my family has gotten sick of turkey and, as such, is going the (I think) brisket route. In any event, how can you think of Thanksgiving without thinking of this classic scene from "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"?

BURP! Did you hear that? She said "burlap!"

I have a joke for you. Ready?

An elephant comes down and rubs your nose.

Nothing? Well, it's no wonder. There are only two ways you'd find that funny. First, if you were stoned to the bejesus belt. Second, if you were my daughter. She finds that joke hysterical, and I am pretty sure that I heard her first laugh last night.

I know what you're thinking...isn't 2 1/2 months early for a laugh? Yeah, it probably is...however, parents always exaggerate their kid's milestones. For example, ask parents of 1-3 year olds what their child's first word was. Most of them will say "mama" or "dada." C'mon, those are not really words...by that rationale, Bud already has quite an involved vocabulary: everything from "aauga" to "meha." But, no, I am not ready to sign her up for MENSA yet.

(Of course, "dada" is defined in the dictionary as: "A European artistic and literary movement (1916-1923) that flouted conventional aesthetic and cultural values by producing works marked by nonsense, travesty, and incongruity." Perhaps your child meant to begin a conversation about this...in which case, what the heck are you feeding him?)

OK, it wasn't a true laugh, but a slight giggle. But, in true parental form, I am marking down month 2, day 10 as "first laugh."

Look, if Meg Griffin can have her first drum solo at age one; anything is possible.

[Note: in spellchecking this post, I noticed that "dada" was picked up, but "mama" wasn't. Sexists.]

Thank You Mario! But our princess is in another castle!

Dear Mother and Father Sitting at the Next Table Over at about 8pm Tonight at the All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Bar on 81st Street With the 9-year-old With the Gameboy,

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you're taking your child to sushi bars at a young age (even though you did order him the teriyaki...that's like going to a Brazilian bar-b-que and ordering the fish). But, rather than talk to the kid, you two talked to each other and let that kid play on his f-ing Gameboy for an hour straight! You know what I did...I had to listen to that stupid Mario Brothers music...and now I can't get it out of my head!

Don't you realize that you should be teaching your kid to interact, and not to just be addicted to his little electronic toys. ...wait a minute, my blackberry is buzzing.

You know what else I heard? Your asinine conversation. "Brothers and Sisters is the best show on TV." Are you serious? You should have been arrested just for saying that! Day Break....DAY BREAK!?!?! Am I the only one who realizes that's a rip-off of Groundhog Day?? Maybe it's a good thing you let that kid play on that Gameboy.

All my best,

Newdaddy

P.S. Are you missing any hidden messages in your kid's video games??

Newdaddy: Two Month Report Card

I realize it's a little belated, as Bud's two month birthday passed last week, but considering we reached that milestone (and considering that I also reached the milestone of my fiftieth blog post), I give you my two-month report card.

Work-Baby Balance: B. It started off well; I took a good amount of time off for paternity leave. But now that year-end is approaching, I've come home a few nights after Bud's gone to bed, so I took off some points for that.

Convincing my friends that I'm still cool despite the fact that I change diapers: D. Another "balance" that I am trying to maintain is family/friends, and I have made a conscious effort lately to spend time with the boys. I can't help but think, however, that they look at me a bit different, knowing that I handle baby poop.

Putting Bud to Bed: C. Shhhhh.....shhhhh.....shhhhhh. Your eyes are closed, so I'm going to stop rocking you and gently put you in your...DAMN! Let's start again.

Photography: A. An area of improvement...my home and office are now filled with pictures.

Giving respect to my sister: C. I have not mentioned Newaunt much on this blog, so let me give you five reasons why my sister rocks:
(1) She drove us to the hospital when Newmommy was "scheduled" to give birth.
(2) She's a free babysitter. Well, I guess it's not free if I'm paying for the sushi.
(3) She got us one of the best baby presents: the white noise machine. Yes, this thing does work in helping babies sleep.
(4) In her own words, she "visits at least once a week and has participated in numerous feeding, burping, and changing sessions. She has also brought breakfast, dinner, and Starbucks to Newmommy and Newdaddy when Bud was first born."
(5) She's promised not to introduce my daughter to a place called "the mall" or things called "credit cards." OK, that's wishful thinking. (please!)

Teaching the finer points in life: A. Forget "Baby Einstein", Bud's into classic rock. She has also seen baseball and football games (on TV, of course) and although she has not actually eaten sushi, she has been explained how it's done.

Not such a hot GPA this month. I'd better re-check my Scantron sheets to make sure that nothing was graded incorrectly. (That never was the case.)

I will turn this car around!

A quick, random thought for a Sunday night:

Today, we were on our way to do the Grandparents Committee tour (both sets live in central New Jersey). I turned to Newmommy and said, "Do you realize, we are mom and dad...driving to grandma's house?" I fought the urge to turn around and say to Bud, "I WILL turn this car around!" She was asleep.

Major developments for this week:

• Smiling. She started that two weeks ago, but now she is responding to our smiles.
  
• Cooing. It's not a cry, and not really talking or babbling...it's something in the middle. Her facial expressions, however, look like she's trying to tell us something. (Didn't Homer Simpson's brother invent a baby translator? I need to get me one of those.)
  

OK, back to the Giants game.

Dadiquette

I'm going to write this post at the risk of offending at least three of my closest friends who may think I am writing specifically about them. I'm not...you're like the ninth, tenth, eleventh example of this. I'm guilty of it too...but I am going to throw stones in my little glass nursery.

What do you do if you have plans with someone who has a baby and you, your spouse, your kid, etc. come down with a cold? I will tell you. The proper etiquette is to cancel. I understand. I don't want to get sick and I don't want Bud to get sick. I can see you next week...it's OK.

Here's what you don't do...

(1) Ask me what I think you should do. I'm not a doctor...if you have to ask, you probably shouldn't be coming over.

(2) Make a "game day decision." It's 10:30pm, you're not going to be all better by noon tomorrow.

(3) Chalk it up to allergies. You probably don't have allergies.

Next time on "Dadiquette": If I don't know you, get your damn hands off my child.

This post is written in honor of my mother-in-law, who got sick and cancelled tonight's plans...leaving Newmommy and I without a babysitter, and making it another week until I get to see the Borat movie. Jegshamesh!

Oh, How I Admire This Nation's Priorities

I give you today's cover of the New York Post...take a look at what gets top billing! Don't you just love this country? (For those reading the archives, this is the day after the 2006 mid-term elections.)

It's understandable, I guess. Britney Spears is more attractive than Nancy Pelosi. Although, the new Speaker of the House never drove a car with an infant on her lap...and if she did, then the GOP really missed that during the midterms.

And, well, there you have it. Newdaddy's take on politics.

Happy 2 month birthday to Bud!!

The times they are a'becoming quite different

As I mentioned in my very first post on this blog, as a father-to-be, I received a lot of 'warnings' about the perils of parenthood from current fathers. Everyone warned, "your life is going to change...get those nights out, nights of sleep, movies, etc. in now." The song is a bit different now that I actually have a child.

A few nights ago, Newmommy and I visited friends of ours who have a ten-month old. Rather than warn me about what was to come, the father gave me an exciting preview.

"Oh, it's great! At about four months, they start to develop real personalities." He then described all of the things I can look forward to: playing, constant smiles, talking (sort of), easier feedings (thank God!), and laughter.

This really is the trend now. In my first post, I asked, "Is it that most guys just don't enjoy being fathers? Or is it the same BS hazing-the-new-guy that we got before starting high school?" Now that I am "in the club", I know it is the latter. And that's encouraging for the state of fathers these days.

So, in the spirit of things to look forward to, I leave you with this video someone forwarded me...

My Daughter the Comedian

Try to picture this as if it were a scene from a movie:

4:30 this morning. It's daddy's night to handle feedings, and we're a good three or four ounces in (and my nipples are killing me...) She hasn't burped in about two ounces, so, to avoid a spit up situation, I try to burp her. I try the over-the-shoulder maneuver, the seated-on-lap position, even the patented Newmommy trick (which I'll get into in a future post). Ten minutes go by...nothing.

"OK," says Newdaddy, "You don't want to burp...I'll give you a little bit more, but I don't want to play the spit up game!"

The nipple barely touched her lips before we were both covered in spit up.

So, I take her to the changing table, clean her up and change her. When it's all over, she pauses, looks at me, and lets out this enormous burp. Then gives me a knowing smile.

I get the joke. Very funny.

P.S. If I didn't know any better, I'd also think that she's flipped me the bird a few times. She must just be getting used to her hands....'cause she's not supposed to want to flip me off for another six or seven years.

Aloha Mr. Hand!

I'd like to elaborate on my last post...

My "your-first-year-as-a-parent" books all tell me that during her second month, my daughter will spend a lot of time examining her hands. This is good, as she's learning that her hands are actually part of her body. The books say that by sucking on her hands, and then a pacifier, bottle, shirt, etc., she will begin to tell her body from inanimate objects. I guess that's a good skill to have.

The bad news is that learning the intricacies of the hand is frustrating the hell out of her. She really, really wants to suck her thumb. She'll sit there and stare at her fist, trying so hard to figure out how to do it, all the while looking visibly angry because she can't figure it out! Sometimes she'll just stare, other times she'll get close and suck on her fist. A few times, she'd stare for a few minutes, and then deck herself in the eye (then, understandably, cry.)

This whole process is actually pretty amazing to watch, as I'm sure next week or the week after, she'll figure it out, and then move on to some other challenge we've all taken for granted. It's a lot of fun seeing the wheels turn....

DAMN!! I just spent forty minutes rocking Bud to sleep, and just now my f-ing cell phone rang and woke her up. I guess I'll finish this another time.