Covering the Basics

"Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina." - Kid from "Kindergarten Cop."

I realize that I am now that guy who you dated for a few months, had some great times with, and then stopped calling you. And now I'm ringing you up for a bootie call. Why should you give the time of day to someone who's been MIA for almost three months? Because this is a good story.

Bud has gotten the whole girl/boy thing down. She turns to me tonight and says "Daddy is a boy and mommy is a girl." Duh! Then, we quizzed her...What's Jacob?...a boy...What's Ali?...a girl...What's Nana...a girl? She went 9 for 10 (and the 1 may read this so I am not going to say who it is). Then, she proceeded to list everyone in her class, and their gender.

She then decided to brush my hair, and give me a headband. As she put the headband on, she said, "there you go big boy." And not "big boy" like in the way a tranny would say it...more like the opposite of what Newmommy says when she puts the headband on her: "there you go big girl". In other words...she's starting to get it.

Now, how to I convince her to stay away from the boys until she's twenty-one?

Back to School

It's quite a day: Bud turned two, and started preschool. It's hard to imagine that just two years ago yesterday, I was trying to fall asleep on a hospital floor while awaiting Bud's first appearance, and today, I was sitting in a mini-classroom, trying to squeeze my ass into a bright yellow kid's chair. Neither was comfortable...and I wasn't ready for either. But, like life and parenting, you've always gotta keep moving forward.

6:40am, and I was still feeling the effects of yesterday's second birthday party. No, not a hangover, not from alcohol, at least. Running around chasing kids, while manning the camera, and putting down pizza and cake (more than I should in an attempt to justify what I was paying for!) followed by opening and assembling the new toys will take its toll on anyone. By the way, the toys have moved from music-y, block-y, plastic-y baby toys to girl-y, princess-y, ballerina-y girl toys. Newmommy wakes me up. I'm taking today off from work, but yet, I'm waking up at the same time.

7:35am, we wake up Bud. The wake up routine is somewhat easy: we look at her, she looks at up with a big "Hiiiiiiiiiii. Have good dre-ams." We sing happy birthday.

8:25am. We give ourselves an extra 15 minutes before the trip to the preschool for pictures. What is this, a friggin' wedding? Bud alone...Bud with mommy....Bud with daddy. Daddy with the backpack....Mommy with a bagel, etc. 30 pictures total..what did they do before digital photography?

8:55am. Bud's running through the school towards the classroom, not realizing that her two-decades full of studying, tests and state capitals are awaiting her at the other side of the door.

9:00am. Studying, tests and state capitals are obviously a long way off. This year it's dress-up, blocks manipulatives and art. She begins playing with an animal/barn set very similar to what she has in her own playroom. She seems to like it.

9:15am. Bud shows little interest in the art project, but seems to be slowly acclimating to the environment. A bit hesitant, until the teacher announces that we're heading outside to the playground. She said the magic word.

9:30am. Newdaddy asks his first neurotic-parent question of the teacher: "How can you watch 12 kids in such a big playground." Answer: we're more spread out than usual because we have the parents here...but we usually focus on a smaller area. When more classes are out here, the teachers take "zones." OK, acceptable answer.

9:45am. Snack. Bud is very interested in Cheerios....and drinking water out of a cup. She got about half in the mouth and half on her dress. That teacher better improve that ratio before June! 10am. We leave. It's a short session today, parents admitted. On Wednesday, it's a full day, parents optional.

When Bud gets up from her nap, we're going to celebrate in a more traditional style: with some ice cream. All in all, I think Bud did great. Newmommy...well, she has more adjusting to do! I'm sure she'll do great too. That is, of course, until it's time to drop her off at college. But that's a few years away!

Things I Learned in Pre-School Orientation

Bud starts pre-school on Monday, which also happens to be her second birthday. This past Thursday night, I attended pre-school orientation. Here are some things I learned.

1. "Peanut Free" is different from "Peanut Aware." When asked if the school is "Peanut Free," the administrator responded, "no, but we are peanut aware, meaning that we don't serve peanuts or anything with peanuts, but don't control what kids bring to school." Nobody I knew growing up had a peanut allergy- how is it that this has suddenly become such a huge issue?

2. Pre-Schools have their own "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. If you kid gets bitten, you are notified, but they won't tell you who bit your kid. Isn't that unconstitutional...isn't there something in there about confronting your kid's biter? The administrator did point out, however, that the kids usually tell their parents who the culprit was.

3. Toys are now called "Manipulatives." The pre-school gives kids the opportunity to stack, sort and play with "manipulatives." Back in my peanut-loving preschool days, they were called "blocks."

4. The kid of the parents in the row behind me is potty trained. Honor student. I hope they grade on a curve here.

In all seriousness, this school looks like it's going to be really fun for Bud. If you were to close your eyes and picture a nursery school teacher...her new teacher is what you'd come up with. The place looked to be run very professionally (much more than I expected from a nursery school), which made me feel like we made the right choice. On Monday, Bud's formal education begins...and I'll be taking the day off.

Rock On...

Yesterday, while trying to find Bud's latest favorite episode of "Little Einsteins," on OnDemand, I stumbled upon The Karaoke Channel which conveniently had a "Kid's Karaoke" option. I put on "Twinkle, Twinkle" and Bud's wheels began to turn. During the first pass through the song she was pointing out letters, "B for Baby", "D for Daddy"...and she started singing the song on the second pass.

Karaoke has got to be a great activity for kids- not only can they rock out to their favorite songs, but it also must be helpful in develop reading skills, as the words light up as they sing them.

Of course, at the end of the song, an announcer says, "For more information, visit our website..." For some reason, Bud became obsessed with this part, and went the whole day asking "for more information." Or more like "Good Morning, A Mission..."

(For more information about Karaoke, please visit the Karaoke Channel website, or go to K-Town in NYC and rent a private room.)

The Scariest Word

Today I heard the scariest word from a woman since Newmommy said "Ring." The word is: "Mine." Yes, two weeks shy of the second birthday, Bud has used that oh-so-common word that declares to the world the sense of self. And that pretty much nothing else matters.

Not that Bud hasn't declared her sense of self already. She is now regularly telling us what to do ("Daddy, sit for you!")...what she wants ("More strawberries!")...and to leave her alone and let her do it herself ("No hands, daddy!"...."[Bud] do it!!").

And, she absolutely insists that we play her favorite games, which so far consist of "Looks Like So Much Fun" (which is pretty much just spinning around in circles saying "looks like so much fun") and "Restaurant", which is basically asking her what she would like, and giving her pretend French toast. I win every time.

Bud starts pre-school in two weeks (I know, right...) Her teacher sent the class postcards welcoming the kids to her class. Bud wanted to play with this "teacher book", and when we took it back to go in the upcoming scrapbook, Bud yelled, "Hold it! Mine!!"

Uh oh.