Keep Her Off the Pole

"They don't grade fathers, but if your daughter's a stripper...you f-ed up!" - Chris Rock

My route home from work brings me past a strip club. (It's not as sketchy as it sounds...it's Manhattan.) As I walked past this evening, I saw a young woman entering, with a cup of coffee in hand, saying hi to the bouncers as if she was beginning her work day. And she was.

That's scary for any father. And, I happen to agree with Chris Rock, if your daughter is a stripper, you are a bad father. I'm not saying that fathers of strippers are worthless human beings...they can be good at other things..., nor am I passing judgment on the valuable service these young women provide, but one of the few definitive tests for being a bad father is..."does my daughter give lap dances to 'Pour Some Sugar On Me'"?

Is there any definitive tests of being a good father? I doubt it...it's much easier to be a bad father. I just wonder if there are any signs that I can look at 10, 15, 20 years from now...point to and say, "there, you see that....I succeeded."

Maybe I should start with giving Bud a better nickname?

P.S. Did Jack Bower spend last night's entire episode changing clothes?

Bud's First Solid Food!

Today we reached a milestone in Bud's life: her first solid meal. Of course, it was a rice cereal mixed with formula...one part cereal and a few hundred parts formula, so it was more "soup" than "solid," but, nevertheless, technically, it was her first solids.

The meal went something like this:

We fed her a few ounces of her normal breakfast bottle. Then, we moved the feeding into the kitchen and spoon-fed her the cereal. At first, she tried to suck the spoon, as she doesn't know how else to eat. Then, confusion set in...she looked at us like "what the heck are you doing to me...where's my bottle?" As time went on, it looked like she was getting the hang of it, but not doing too well; most of the food went all over her mouth and bib. Still, she didn't seem angry or frustrated, and she didn't cry. She actually seemed a bit excited between spoonfulls, and I'm not sure if that was excitement for the food, or an expression of something else.

Newmommy told me that "The Book" warned that during a baby's first feeding, the baby may look insulted. (Where's my real food...why are you giving me this?) That's hysterical.

Oh yeah, and as she kicked during her mid-feeding breaks, she managed to kick the bowl out of Newmommy's hands and knock some of the cereal onto the table. So, out of the whole bowl, I would say: 20% landed on the table, 30% got on her bib, 20% made it onto (but not into) her mouth, and the rest was eaten. 30%...not bad. Of course, that's a guess.

So, congratulations to Bud!

P.S. And, if that wasn't enough...Bud confirmed that she has the whole back-to-tummy roll down. We found her face-down at the end of her nap.

Potpourri

• Quote: A buddy of mine after watching Bud examine the front and back of her hand for about ten minutes (open-palm): "Woah, am I on mushrooms or am I five months old?"
• Update: Newmommy and I are going to try a modified "Cry-it-Out" approach to Bud's mid-night wake-ups due to Binky loss. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, we're not going to rush in to give her the pacifier unless the crying is really bad (right now all she does is moan and whine...I don't mean to inject religion into the discussion but the best word I can think of is :"kvetch") or if it lasts for an extended period of time. That period of time is under debate...but it will probably be somewhere between fifteen and thirty minutes.
• Reader Pimpage: An extremely well-padded 3-year old attempts to skate, skate, sk-sk-sk-roller-skate.
• Observation: Has anyone else noticed that during the show "24" Fox tries to inject the show into the trailers for the news? "Coming up at 10...what scares Jack Bower the most about the upcoming season of 24?...and Iraq, only on Fox News at 10."

Is This New?

Bud's been making this fish-face. I'm not sure what it is, but it's really cute. I saw it for the first time this morning and asked Newmommy, "is this new?" Then I realized how depressing it is that I have to ask her that. But, what am I going to do? I saw Bud (awake) Tuesday morning before I left for work, and then didn't see her again until Thursday night...and then it was only for 40 minutes or so. It's hard, because I know I am doing exactly what I should be doing for Bud...going to work...but it's still tough going long stretches without seeing her, and then having to ask Newmommy if the fish-face is new.

Although, there was a major accomplishment....Bud rolled over tummy-to-back today! Now, Newnana and Newgrampy said that they saw this a few weeks ago, and so did Newmommy, but it doesn't count until I see it.

The Pacifier

...not the Vin Diesel movie.

Thanks to peter for his suggestion to my "Cry It Out" problem...I think we're going to at least try to see if his "multiple pacifier" approach works before we commit to the "cry it out" approach. In fact, I think Bud is learning to manipulate the Binky...I caught her last night with the side of the binky in her mouth, and then upside-down. It shows that's she's (sorta) catching on.

While we're on the subject of multiple binkys (binkies?)....

Cry It Out

We've been very lucky. Bud slept through the night for the first time at about 8 weeks...and when I say "slept through the night," I mean a solid twelve-hour stretch. It hasn't been consistent, there have been a number of nights where Newmommy and I had to wake up a few times to give Bud the pacifier back...but, all in all, she's been a great sleeper.

Over the last few nights it has become apparent that Bud has become "addicted" to the pacifier...she can't sleep without it. And, because she has been losing the pacifier at night...either unintentionally, or actually pulling the thing out...we've been getting up more.

She also just turned five months, so Newmommy and I are attempting to "train" Bud to sleep sans-Binky by having her "Cry it Out." What this means is not giving her the pacifier when she cries for it in the middle of the night, and have her learn to soothe herself to sleep.

What this really means is sitting listing to your child cry and not doing anything about it. This is what the books say to do, and what doctors say to do, and what our friends have told us works...but this can't be right.

As I write this, it's Bud's naptime, but she's not asleep. She's crying, and has been for the last twenty-nine minutes. (Actually, not really crying, sort of a whining...) I am fighting every parental urge I have to go help her to sleep, and I keep telling myself that this is what I am supposed to do; and that by helping her learn to sleep I am being a good parent....but it sure does not feel that way. Baby needs me...I should be there. It feels like I'm being a bad parent.

This sucks.

Double It!

Here's an e-mail exchange between me and a buddy of mine with whom I'm planning an April trip to Las Vegas. (Although, I should point out...it's not a Mancation.) Let's call him Urbandaddy.

Newdaddy: Maybe I should bring [Bud] to Vegas.

Urbandaddy: If you do, I'm putting her on red.

Newdaddy: Please don't. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to double her either!

Looks like a focking bad movie

This may be old news, but I just heard that they're making another sequel to "Meet the Parents" called "Meet the Little Focker." Please, Dreamworks, don't do this.

"Meet the Parents" was funny. "Meet the Fockers" was terrible. It was a shameless attempt to capitalize on the success of a good movie. I believe the word is "formulaic"...it had all of the characteristics of a bad sequel: it basically repeated the plot of the original movie, repeated the jokes of the original movie, and fell short in both departments. The movie also didn't make sense:

At the end of MTP, didn't Dad and Greg make up? So why is Dad busting balls again?

Also, wasn't Dad really taken aback by Greg's interest in breast milk-pumping? Why would Dad then wear a fake milk-dispensing breast in MTF?

OK, so picking apart MTF is like shooting fish in a barrel of terrible movies. That being said, this trilogy has nothing left. The "Focker" joke was funny the first time around, it was annoying as a movie title. "Meet the Little Focker"...ha, ha...I get it.

Now put it back.

Super-bowel I: RESULTS SHOW!

In the style of "American Idol," before we get to the results, lets just recap the game from last night. (OK...my bad, that was not real football, that was foootbal.) Let's get to it...

#1: "Superbowel": What will come first, a touchdown or a diaper change?

Touchdown. Devin Hester returns the opening kickoff for a 92-yard touchdown. Meanwhile, Bud's diaper is clean & dry. (The same couldn't be said for Payton Manning at that moment! But, the tables did turn...)

#2: What will be my first mid-game interruption? (a) Baby-related, (b) wife-related, (c) pizza-delivery-guy related, (d) other.

This one's all in the interpretation. At 6:45pm (10 minutes into the first quarter), Bud's cold needed to be "asperated"...and my wife asked me to do it. I'd say it goes under (B)..but I guess technically it's (A).

#3: What will be advertised in the first commercial with a baby in it? (a) Something computer related, (b) something food related, (c) beer, (d) other.

(B). At 7:53pm (towards the end of the second quarter), there was a commercial for Doritos/Lays/Tostitos. I am having trouble finding it online, but trust me.

#4: Will the team that is winning when Bud goes to sleep win the game?

Yes. Bud was put in her crib at 8:31pm (Colts up 16-14), and fell asleep at 8:45pm, a Colts field-goal later. And, if you have been living under a rock, Colts won.

Super-bowel I

It's Superbowl Sunday (sorry, I don't have a licence to use that term....it's "Big Game" Sunday), and "of course there's bets being made...it's the Superbowl!" Before we get into the prop bets for today, I wanted to congratulate Bud on her first road trip. Just call me Clark W. Griswald: we drove about three and a half hours from the NY area to Columbia, Maryland to visit friends. Sure, Bud came down with a cold while we were there, but we managed to drive there on Friday and back today with no issues. Of course, when Newmommy was asleep on the ride back, Cristine Brinkley and I....well, that's another story.

OK, so on to today's superbowl bets.

#1: "Superbowel": What will come first, a touchdown or a diaper change?

#2: What will be my first mid-game interruption? (a) Baby-related, (b) wife-related, (c) pizza-delivery-guy related, (d) other.

#3: What will be advertised in the first commercial with a baby in it? (a) Something computer related, (b) something food related, (c) beer, (d) other.

#4: Will the team that is winning when Bud goes to sleep win the game?

...well, I should have started this earlier, as Bud is now getting sick of her Jumperoo. Well...I will post the results tomorrow.

They Call Them "Fingers," But I've Never Seen Them "Fing"!

What can be more heartwarming to a new father than that bright smile of his little girl as he comes home from a hard day's work. I'll tell you...her flipping him off. That's right folks, Bud has made an advancement in the category of fine motor skills...flipping the bird.

Now, of course she doesn't mean it. It's just a position her hand's been getting into lately (I HOPE!). But, as I sit there feeding her, her fighting over those last two ounces, it's hard not to think that there may be a little bit of intent there.

I should point out that there have been other developments with respect to her hands: she's beginning to hold the bottle as we feed her, she's grabbing just about everything you put in front of her, and she also can type about 50 words per minute on a blackberry.

This development takes the cake, though. And yes, I am proud of her...she has learned an essential means of communicating, and she hasn't even begun to form words yet. Plus, it's really cute. So, when daddy gets home from a long day, seeing you're daughter flip you off...it can be quite heartwarming.

I doubt I'll feel the same way in sixteen years.