Sunday, December 31, 2006

Friday, December 29, 2006

Things I Could Have Done Without in 2006 (Part 2)

Continuing on...
  • "Brothers and Sisters" (The TV Show). "Is that why you wanted to be Jewish, so that Gd would cure your diabetes?" I want those forty-eight minutes back.
  • America's obsession with celebrity babies. Bud is cuter than Suri. It's just a fact.
  • Time Person of the Time began its tradition of cheap cop-outs in 1950 with "The American Fighting Man" (Korean War). "Person of the Year" was given to a non-person in 1982: "The Computer." And, in 2006, it's me. I'm in good company...Stalin, Hitler....
  • Transfats removed from New York City. Tell me, how am I supposed to get a good buffalo wing without transfats??
Well, there you have it.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Things I Could Have Done Without in 2006 (Part 1)

Not too long ago, I broke my rule that I wouldn't publish cheesy, mushy posts about how much I love my daughter. I believe my exact words were that I wouldn't write: "[My baby] is the snuggliest, loviest, blessing I have ever received." Well, she bite me.

To balance this out, I want you all to know that despite 2006 being a fantastic year for me (as I became a father), there were some things this year that I could have done without. Here goes...
  1. Bluetooth. There was a time when I knew who on the street was crazy and who was not, as the crazy people talked to themselves. Now everyone's talking to themselves, and if you aren't looking at the right angle, it's hard to tell who's actually using a Bluetooth headset. And since when is it acceptable to WEAR your phone??
  2. Panic! at the Disco. "What a Beautiful Wedding..." Shut up, shut up, shut up!! What is this band's appeal?
  3. "Portrait of Promise", the educational video on shaken baby syndrome that the hospital made us watch when Bud was born. It aired at 1:40 pm, 8:40pm and 2:40am. Very convenient....I guess they thought new parents would be up at 2:40am anyway. At about 11pm on our last night, we realized we hadn't watched it yet.
  4. The collapse of the New York Yankees. (A certain other New York team looks like it may be on the verge of a collapse too, but I don't want to say anything until Sunday.)
  5. The "holiday season" starting in early November. I am sorry, but the week before Thanksgiving is not the "most wonderful time of the year."
To be continued....

Monday, December 25, 2006

Loosen Up My Buttons

In honor of Bud discovering how to push buttons, I decided to give her the whole keyboard, and let her type today's message. Here's goes...

oijoidfmonkjkpo rgmpojgrmpio
oij jkfoijefopji-09u-032-[0 2r,m eihbethfhiobohidblkjlivmvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

She makes a good point, no?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A Job Aint Nothing But Work

Apologies for my recent delinquency in posting. This blog is devoted to my life as a father and, well, my professional duties called this week. It's pretty sad, one late night at the office gets me home after Bud goes to sleep, and I miss an entire day of seeing her. Throw that in with an office holiday party, and a friend coming in from out of town, and you have three days in a row sans-fatherhood.

...and, therefore, sans-posting.

One day, I heard a familiar beeping on the baby was that interference you get on the phone sometimes when your blackberry (if it's nearby) is receiving a message. My blackberry interfering with the baby's a good metaphor for fatherhood.

But, we have two three-day weekends in a row, so I'll have time to catch up with my parental duties/doodies.

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Newdaddy Soundtrack (or Newdaddy's Day Off)

Newmommy threw her back out, so I stayed home from work today.

Here was my day: first, I convinced my very nervous best friend to steal his father's car. We then went and picked up my girlfriend, and then drove into the city. Wait, no, that wasn't me.

Oh, yeah, now I remember...if my life were a TV show, today's the episode where I learn what it's like to be Newmommy by taking care of Bud all day.

Yes, it's hard, and yes, I am exhausted. Although in all fairness, I tried to hold down the fort here while "working from home." That probably was not smart. I did have fun with Bud, though, as I had the rare opportunity to play with her all day.

She's found her thumb, she has short bursts of giggles and I think she's close to discovering her feet.

So it's time to eat, and she's all wound up. So, I thought some singing would calm her down. Admittedly, I am not much of a singer, but there's something about parenting and singing that just go together. I am sick of all the kid's songs lately, so I sang whatever came to my's tonight's soundtrack:
  • "Ice Ice Baby," Vanilla Ice
  • "U Can't Touch This," MC Hammer
  • "Three Little Birds," Bob Marley & The Wailers
  • "I Shot the Sheriff," Bob Marley & The Wailers
  • Theme to "The Facts of Life"
  • Theme to "Diff'rent Strokes"
  • Theme to "Family Ties" (which about two lines in, I realized I didn't know)
  • Theme to "Silver Spoons"
Still trying to figure out what happened do you go from Bob Marley to "The Facts of Life"?? No clue.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Happy Hanukkah

Do you want to argue about the spelling?

How about a nice friendly game of dreidel?

How about singing a traditional Hanukkah song?

Bud figured out how to use Ofoto, because she gave me a deck of cards and a beer mug, each with her picture on it! Newmommy and I got her this for the first night. She loves it, and it's given me a great business idea...please don't steal it: a line of baby toys that play music but don't annoy parents! Children's shows these days often include a lot of adult humor; why can't toys be tailored so as not to annoy parents? Seriously, if I hear that Leapfrog woman say "three little butterflies fluttering by, three little butterflies fly, fly, fly..." one more time I may have to shoot myself.

Dreidel comes up on spellcheck? F-ing anti-semites.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

This Girl Knows What's Up

There's something to be said for a kid who's a little naive...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Viddy Well

I just got through watching "Baby Beethoven" with Bud. She was sitting in her Bumbo, which is a chair designed so a baby can sit upright. It's good, but it restricts her movement a bit. Her sitting in that chair, watching a video with bizarre imagines with Beethoven playing in the background...hmmm, does that remind anyone of something?

P.S. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, click here. (Then go rent it. But don't watch it with your kids.)

Friday, December 08, 2006

And so begins another holiday season...

It's early December. I know because Christmas songs have been playing in every store I've gone in for about five weeks. The requisite "Had Thanksgiving Plans that Got Ruined, But I Learned a Deeper Lesson About Myself" episode of every sitcom has already been followed by the "Cynical Character Turned Straight" Christmas episode. That reddish-brown dried skin has begun to form on my hands, and I have to climb to work over hundreds of tourists holding signs that they just tried to get shown on the "Today Show."

Don't get me wrong...there are good things about this time of year: two three-day weekends in a row, work holiday parties (who's going to get drunk and embarrass themselves this year?), Starbucks Gingerbread Lattes, and, generally, there's a lot more chocolate accessible everywhere. Plus, New Year's Eve...a holiday where we celebrate the changing of a calendar...I love it.

Of course, there's Hanukkah. What do you get a three-month old who has no idea what a gift is in the first place? I'll tell you...whatever I want! I'm just going to enjoy this one, as next year, I probably won't get off so easy!

So, in the immortal words of Krusty the Klown, "have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, kwazy Kwanzaa, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan."

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Fatherhood is Amazing

Look, I realize that I've spent a lot of time on this blog making jokes and being cynical about things that fathers have to go through. But, as I approach Bud's three-month birthday, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it's like being a father, and I have concluded that it's pretty incredible.

My daughter is talking now. No, not words, unless you count 'aaalalahhall' as a word. But as she babbles, her facial expressions mimic those of someone actually conversing. I read today that two-thirds of communication that takes place during live conversation is done through facial expressions. I guess I'm not crazy in thinking that she is talking to me.

To cheesy for you? Fair enough. To make up for it, I give you this public service announcement.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

More Dadiquette

In an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry David gets pissed off because a guy driving a Prius didn't waive to him on the road to acknowledge the fact that they were driving the same car. It sounds silly, but I'd be pissed off too...the guy in the Prius should have waived a "Hey, you and I have something common" waive.

This happened to me today...I was doing my holiday shopping at the mall (more on that to come...). I was pushing a stroller full of bags, while Newmommy had Bud in the Bjorn. We pass a couple doing the EXACT SAME THING...he with the present-filled stroller, her with the Bjorn. Newmommy and I gave a knowing smile, they saw us and kept walking.

Come on, this is a funny situation. Going the mall to do something as simple as holiday shopping has become quite the ordeal, involving carefully planning and logistics. If you spent your morning knowingly drawing up the same plan, you should at least acknowledge those who did the same. It's only polite.

And while we're on the subject of holiday shopping, don't be fooled into buying this album..."Whip It" is not on it!