Monday, March 31, 2008

Bud's a Singer...and she's British

...she's ready to join the Spice Girls. Wait, are they still around? Man, I'm getting friggin' old.

Bud now belts out full songs. Highlights include "Twinkle, twinkle," "Ring Around the Rosy," and the ABC Song. (Which is the same as "Twinkle, Twinkle", but it's pretty cool that my baby knows her ABCs....) She also sings songs from her Sesame Street DVDs. There's nothing like hearing an eighteen-month-old randomly belt out "Old McDonald." "Eee-Yayyy-Eee-Yaayyyy-oooohhh!"

And, she's British. She was watching some show a few weeks ago with some British kids growing potatos. One kid says, in a very thick English accent, "We're growing po-tay-tos." Then, yesterday, Bud walks over to the mulch in our front yard landscaping, picks up a bunch and says, "tay-tos...tay-tos." How very worldly.

P.S. Even though we got rained out today, it's good to see baseball back in full swing! (It's also funny to see the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in first place. I'm sure that will last.)

Monday, March 24, 2008

Weekend Off...and a Clear Favorite

Much to the amusement of our friends, Newmommy and I had a mini "vacation" to New York City this past weekend. I used the quotes around "vacation" (and, had I been talking to you in person, I would have done the "air quotes") as, technically, a trip to NYC is not a vacation to a Jerseyite. Still, it was a great time...had "lights" and "darks" at this bar, got a chance to finally see a movie in the theater (Borat was the last one Newmommy and I saw together), and, most importantly, got a chance to see this guy at a comedy club (no, not Larry David, the other guy, who was hysterical).

The end of the weekend comes, and we are reunited with Bud. Bud's face lit up when she saw us...and then, for the rest of the day, it was all about Mommy. Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Hey male provider, who the heck are you?

Now, I'm not surprised. Newmommy spends every day with her; and I only get weekends and a sliver of time on weekdays if I manage to catch a decent NJ Transit train home, and the train has no delays (ha!) Still, it's tough.

I don't want to come off as a complainer's not like Bud doesn't get excited to see me. (Yes, I see the double negative...shut up.) The best part of my day (on the days Bud is awake) is when I get home and see Bud. Bud jumps up and screams "DADDY!" like fifty clowns, twenty Elmos and Dora the Explora herself came through the door. And, if I'm there when Bud wakes up, "Daddy" is usually her first word. So, I guess Bud's not really playing favorites. But it is hard to compete when you're competition is a woman who spends her entire day feeding and entertaining your child.

P.S. Finally, finally, finally...a new baseball season begins tomorrow. The Yankees don't start until Monday afternoon, but in the meantime, at least for tomorrow and at least in Japan, I'll be an Oakland fan. GO A's!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Book Report: "Elmo Visits the Denist"

It's been a while since I've done one of these, but I felt the need, given the sensitive subject matter of this book. "Elmo Visits the Dentist" is a story about a young Elmo who completely sells out his friends to help out a known terrorist.

As the book opens, we find the Big Bad Wolf of pig-house-destroying fame in pain with a toothache. Elmo, rather than bask in the glory of a local criminal receiving some form of comeuppance, helps the bastard out and takes him to the dentist where, sure enough, his toothache is cured.

Why would Elmo do this? Some psychologists have suggested that Elmo has such a strong desire to be liked, it doesn't matter where that approval comes from. Still, this is no excuse. Sure, the two little pigs who chose to build their homes of straw and sticks were not really wise in their construction plans, but is this any reason for an f-ing wolf to destroy their homes (and, in some versions of the story, eat the pigs)??? I don't think so. If it were up to me, I'd say...let that wolf suffer. He's caused enough pain.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Looks and a Brain Too

While changing Bud tonight, I asked, "Whose pretty?" Not missing a beat, Bud looked back at me and stated, very matter-of-factly, "Smart." As if to say, I'm not just a cute face, love me for my brains, daddy.

Unfortunately, she doesn't practice what she preaches. At today's Purim carnival (she dressed as a ladybug...very cute...) she was having lunch with one of her friends from pre-pre-school, when she smiled at him and then, while he was off-guard, swiped a piece of his pizza. Using the looks to get what we want, are we? Then again, that move was rather smart....

Looks and a brain too. There are so few of us out there.

Although, I could have done without her insisting on me reading (and then re-reading) the back of the Elmo DVD tonight. "Enjoy these easy-to-sing songs with your child, blah, blah, blah." I tried to get her to stop asking for me to read it ("Again! Again!" a friggin' Teletubby) by reading the disclaimer. Nope. Maybe she'll be a lawyer like her daddy.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Your Son Crapped His Pants

Dear Father-on-the-trampoline-at-the-birthday-party-I-was-at-today,

Your son crapped his pants.

I smell it. You smell it. The woman at the front desk at this kiddie gym smells it. Hell, the whole party smells it. So why are you letting your son continue to jump on the trampoline with a full bowl of pants pudding?

Perhaps something is wrong with your olfactory system. Still, can't you see everyone picking up their child as they jump by you, smelling their butts and then sighing in relief that it's not their kid with the trouser chili?

Are you waiting for your wife? Fair enough, I, in fact, pulled that this morning...Bud dropped a deuce (actually, it was more like a deuce-and-a-half) right around the time mommy was about to take over...why should I go through the trouble of changing the diaper? (No such luck, though, I lost odds-or-evens, 2-to-1.) In any event, there's a time limit for letting your kid sit in fudge tracks.

Your son crapped his pants. Please change him.



Thursday, March 06, 2008

Mispronounced, but cute

My wife's cousin (does that make him my cousin?) warned me to enjoy the "cute words," those words that are cutely mispronounced, now, because by the time the kid hits three, they're gone. (Or, I guess they're not cute anymore.) Here are some of my favorites:
  • Mes-a-min (medicine)
  • Mi-na-mi-na (banana)
  • Pladaloo (proud of you)
  • Bippy (Grampy)
  • Ba-bay-bees (strawberries)
  • bu-bay-bees (blueberries)
  • C'lay-ma-loom (play room)
P.S. If your four-year-old wants to get drunk before going to school, tell her it's "not a good idea."

Sunday, March 02, 2008

What Kind of Mortgage Rates are they Offering Two Year-Olds?

This outdoor playset costs $122,730. There are houses cheaper than that. Until now, I had never seen a jungle gym that actually required taking out a mortgage. Now, I'm no expert, but I do believe that children of jungle gym age would be considered the sub-prime market, no?

While checking out this website, I also found a "tuffet." I didn't realize, in all this time, that was actually something! Screw this...I'm going to get me a fat bowl of curds and whey.

Saturday, March 01, 2008


No, not to the South Harmon Institute of Technology.

To pre-school.
Dear Newfamily,

Welcome to the Newpreschool Family! We are pleased that your child has been enrolled in our program for the 2008-2009 school year. The following information confirm's your child's place in our program. Class assignments will follow over the summer with additional parent information.


On behalf of the Newpreschool, we thank you for choosing Newpreschool and we look forward to seeing you in September! [Emphasis Added]

Very truly yours,

Vernon Wormer

No, it's not one of those fancy pre-schools which required an interview. Yes, I think they accept all applicants. But, yes, Newmommy cried.