Sunday, December 30, 2007

Merry New Year!!

I came really close to posting this again. I haven't had a new year since '84 where that wasn't the first thing I heard...

Thanks for joining me on the parenting journey this year. It's been a wild this time last year, Bud wasn't even rolling over, and today, for the first time she said "I love you." I can't wait to see what '08 brings. Walking? Swimming? An enjoyable baseball season? (If I have to deal with the nonsense of '07's first-half and postseason, I may have to switch over to some other sport...) We shall see.

I leave you with a New Year's wish from a celebrity from whom we didn't hear so much this year...but who was the inspiration behind me purchasing my first camera phone (I saw her drunk at a restaurant once, and promised myself never to be without a camera again)...Tara Reid...MERRY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

How is a daddy of a one-year-old like a GPS system fitted with Bluetooth?

We are both designed to accept simple voice commands.

Bud has crossed the line in verbal development where words go from identification: "mommy," "daddy," "chair," "binky," "Elmo" to orders. The other night we were doing the "night routine" when Bud orders "milk." "Milk, milk, milk!" So, I gave her some milk, she turns to me and says "Daddy! Up!" So, I pick her up. "Dans..." So, we dance. I put her down for her to drink more milk, and Bud declares "no, no, no!" "Up. Dans."

Other commands include: eat! binky! Elmo, Teddy, in, give me Elmo, Teddy, etc. And, of course, there are the food orders: cookie! pa-ta (pasta)! lini (tortellini)! poop (soup)!

The scariest word, of course, is "no." I've been warned about that...

Wednesday, December 26, 2007


I liked the Simpsons Movie...what a relief! I don't need to be fitted for my Lifealert bracelet yet.

By the way- have you seen recent Lifealert commercials? Their slogan is actually "I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!" (What the lady screams in the early-nineties commercial.)

That's almost as bad as NJ Transit's slogan: "We're all in this together." In other words "Yeah, I know it sucks, but we think it sucks too..."

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

What are you in for? Climbing into a drawer.

Last week, I think it was Thursday, Newmommy unleashed the long arm of the parental law and handed down Bud's first ever "punishment." She was given a one-minute "time-out," but was let out twenty seconds early for good behavior. For those of you who aren't familiar with "time-out," it's basically sitting in a corner until the clock runs out. It's sort of like being put in the penalty box in hockey, with about the same amount of teeth. No, we did not make her wear a dunce cap.

Bud received her punishment for climbing into the drawer in our coffee table, after she was told not to. She tried to do this again, and I really felt "parental" explaining that "people don't go in drawers, drawers are for books and clothes."

(See the new feature in the sidebar...I'm going to start adding quotes...)

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Superbad Is

As a semi-new parent, I don't get to the movies very often. Because the frequency of my social life and I getting together has decreased since the birth of Bud, when I do get to go out, I prefer to "rock out" a bit more than sitting in a theater. So, today, I officially became the last person in the United States between the ages of 15 and 45 to see the movie "Superbad."

I wanted to like this movie. For one, everyone I knew who recommended it loved it, so not liking it would make me somewhat of an freak. Also, it's been a while since there was a movie in the same vein as "The Forty Year Old Virgin," "Wedding Crashers" and "Not Another Teen Movie," so I was really hoping to have another great comedy to put in the category.

I'm sorry, world. I just didn't get it. I was pretty bored. McLovin...OK, that's a good bit, but I just could not get into this movie.

True, I didn't like "Napoleon Dynamite" the first time I saw it either. I thought it was pretty stupid. But the next day, I saw myself quoting it, re-watched it, and was able to appreciate it for what it is. I doubt that will happen with this movie.

The problem is, for a guy who spent college addicted to the Simpsons, South Park, with the scripts to Fletch, Revenge of the Nerds and Happy Gilmore memorized, I am supposed to like this movie. And, that's what bothers me. Have I become old, and can no longer appreciate this type of humor? Am I now "out of the club?" Is Bud going to show me a movie she loves in a few years, and I just won't "get it?" Is it true, "Parents Just Don't Understand?"

And what the hell is "High School Musical" anyway; and who is Hannah Montana?

When Eric Cartman met the Thompsons, a lovely couple who had asses where their faces should have been (and could not eat chili because it made them throw up), Eric didn't think it was funny, and thought he blew a "funny fuse." Perhaps I did just that. Or, perhaps I have crossed an unwritten when you begin to prefer VH1 over MTV.

I am really, really scared to watch the Simpsons Movie. If I don't like it, I can see the young side of me being really upset at me some sort of twisted Shredded Wheat commercial.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

More Fun With Google Analytics

Bud's sleeping, so let's take a look at some more exits on the information superhighway that lead you here...

1. "Diapers for a Bad Report Card." I'm no educator, but I believe there are other ways to get your kid's grades up.

2. "Medical Word of Shit." I pride myself on high quality, educational content.

3. "Toilet Humor." Ditto.

4. "My Milkshake Brings All the Little Boys to the Yard." Little boys? Which yard- remind me to avoid that one! (See also "What is a woman's milkshake?" Good question.)

5. "I blame the cavity creeps." We...make...holes in teeth.....we....make...holes in teeth.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Happy Hakaka Bud would say. Pictured on the right is Bud's "nora." (It was an easy word for her because it rhymes with "Dora.")

P.S. I realize Hanukkah is over, but if Christmas can start in early November, surely I can post a Hanukkah post the day after the holiday ended.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Bud's First Sentence

"How are you?"

Bud uttered her first sentence today. I don't think she was actually asking me how I was, but merely repeating what Newmommy says when she picks up Bud's play-phone: "Hello? Hi! How are you? Good..." Until now, she made it only through the second word. Now, I have a true conversationalist.

I had hopes for her first sentence...something like "Daddy, I've already made some $200k in the market, no need to save for my college education," or "What the hell do you mean Joe Torre isn't coming back next year?" or even "I'll have the spicy maki combo." Oh well, I'll take what I can get.

While with Newmommy's parents over the weekend, she was given a bowl of soup. When Newnana tried to take it away from her, she protested...although she didn't get the word quite right...."Poop! Poop!" Soup/poop, close enough.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Taking the World By Land and Sea

Wait...did I just quote "The Breakup?" Yeah, it's a chick flick, but it's got some funny bits- so BACK OFF!!

I think it's amazing that in the course of four days, Bud began learning to both walk and swim.

First, walking. Over the weekend she, for the first time, allowed us to hold her hands while she walked with our support. When they say in the various credit card commercials "Your Baby's First Step," do they mean assisted or unassisted? In any event, I can hear Five for Fighting in the background..."I'm fifteen for a moment..."

Second, swimming. We began lessons on Sunday. Technically, it's a "Mommy and Me", but there were no mommys in the pool...this is definitely a daddy thing. She seemed to like it...I'm not sure if she was kicking because she was swimming, or because she kicks all the time. Again, I'm not sure what the Official Child Milestone book considers swimming, so I'm going to score it as a "yes."

Next week, I'm going to teach her how to convert a 7-10 split.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Gotta Watch Out for those Pumas

I had drinks a few nights ago with a bunch of fellow Jerseyites, all of whom have three- or four-year-olds. One of the fathers told me that, every night, he has to "check" to make sure that his daughter's room is clear of all of the things she's afraid of...

"Did you check for monsters?", she asks.

"Yes, I did," replies daddy.

"What about ghosts?"


"What about pumas?," she asks.

"Pumas? Where did you hear about pumas?", asks the father.


Friggin' Diego...scaring kids like that. I didn't realize that pumas were indigenous to this area of New Jersey! I wish I knew that before I moved here. It wasn't in the brochure.