Sunday, June 29, 2008

My Daughter the Frat Boy

Sign my daughter up for a frat.

Friday night, she walks into our family room, "watch the Yankees." Not Elmo...not Dora...the Yankees. "See Joe De-a-magio." OK, a few years too late...but the right idea. At least she knows "De-lick Je-ler."

Saturday morning, Newmommy asks, "What do you want for breakfast?" "Beers." The fact that she said beers...plural...made that priceless. Not 'till you're fifteen.....

Today, we told her we were having a bar-b-que. All day "" Of course, by the time the grillin' was almost done, she was, as Newaunt would say, a "hot mess," so we needed to put her down for a nap. First thing she said when she woke up: "hot dogs! hot dogs!"

Sports, alcohol and meat. Damn, I'm a good father.

[N.B.: No...of course I don't give Bud beer. But, I do give her hot hot dogs...(what kind of dad feeds kosher hot dogs??). And, I expose her to the Yankees like all good fathers should.]

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

World's Best Dad My Ass...

Dear Guy-at-the-beach-on-Sunday-wearing-the-"World's-Best-Dad-T-Shirt,"

You sonofabitch.

How dare you wear a T-Shirt that says "World's Best Dad" on Father's Day? Father's Day is the one day out of the year when all of us fathers get to stop, look at our families, and take pride in what we've accomplished for our children. It is a day when we get to bask in the pride and admiration of our wives and children. And you have the nerve to publicly announce that you're better than the rest of us.

Are you really the World's Best Dad? Who made that decision? I am unaware of any international committee that tabulates research results or surveys from all over the world to arrive at one person who can truly claim the title "World's Best." And even if there was, I would question their methodologies...I doubt any group can truly and accurately obtain and sift through all of the world's information regarding fatherhood, and arrive at one certain "World's Best." But, I don't think you were chosen by any committee. Methinks your kids just bought you the shirt, without doing any friggin' research at all. That's pretty presumptive.

Plus, I saw you spending most of your time on the blackberry. I am pretty sure that the World's Best Father would spend zero time on his blackberry while lounging with the kids. In fact, World's Best would probably not even OWN a blackberry...he would spend all of his non-office time with his kids.

I award you no points, and may Gd have mercy on your soul.



Saturday, June 14, 2008

Goin' to the 'po...

I don't get you Home Depot dads...these guys who spend every weekend morning at the 'po (as my former boss used to call it) and every weekend day doing a house project. I spend my weeks busting my ass in the office; I can't imagine spending my weekend re-siding my house, extending my garage two towns over, or putting in a new anything. I spent my afternoon today putting together a small plastic climby-wall-thing-with-a-slide for Bud, and that was a pain! Plus, every time I go to Home Depot, I end up getting the wrong thing, and having to turn around and go back. No, I don't bring home a toilet flusher when I was going for a lightbulb...but, without fail, every time I buy anything, it's always 1/8 inch off.

Someone asked me, after I gave this rant, if the problem is that I'm just not handy. I don't think it's that, although I've never really tested out my skills in that area.

Two exceptions. One...electronics. I can wire a stereo together pretty well, add speakers, etc. Of course, if I need to rewrite the outlets or install speakers in the wall...I'm out. grill. I love that friggin' thing...ever since we got it earlier this summer I've been addicted to grilling burgers, hot dogs, chicken, you name it. A moth landed on the grill as I was cooking last night...and I thought, just for a moment, that it wouldn't be so bad to see how that would come out blackened...!

I realize that grilling has nothing to do with being handy...I just wanted to bring it up.