Thursday, August 30, 2007

How SWEEP it is!!!

I don't know what it is, but something in me wants to post THIS picture:

Strange, huh? Don't you just love August baseball? I know, "but the Yanks are still 5 games out of the AL East." To that I say: before the A-Rod "Ha" incident, they were 14 1/2 out. Some might consider that a pretty sizable collapse of the first place team (whose name is escaping me at the moment).

Sunday, August 26, 2007

You Gotta Have a Montage

From the "Be Careful What You Wish For" files:

Two weeks ago, I announced that Bud started crawling. This chick is everywhere now! Big pile of toys in the bedroom? Forget it, let's go into mommy and daddy's bedroom...let's see what's in the kitchen. Oh, this drawer looks fun, let's open it. Watching her go from pretty much staying in one spot to spanning the length of my house over the course of only two weeks is like watching a montage from an '80s movie.

P.S. The Bad Parenting hit parade continued last night. Newgrandma and Newgrandpa watched Bud so that Newmommy and I could go to a comedy show. It was at the Garden State PNC Bank Arts Center, so naturally there was a lot of Jersey material. To truly round out a Jersey evening, we decided to do a midnight diner stop, complete with cheese fries and a chocolate milkshake. (Disco fries were considered, and rejected.) At the diner, we saw a woman holding and feeding a three-month-old. It drove Newmommy and I crazy. HEY! LADY!! Get that baby into a crib where he belongs!!

Not such a good story, I know, but I needed an excuse to mention the cheese fries.

P.P.S. Thanks, Seattle, for finally taking an "L" last night. Keep doing that. (I am not saying that I have given up on the AL East, but I am going to save my Boston-banter for the upcoming series.)

Friday, August 24, 2007


A few weeks ago, we were at a BBQ, sitting on our blanket with a few other couples and their kids. Bud, having finished her dinner, notices that the two-year-old sitting next to her has got a big plate of food but, perhaps most intriguing, a giant glob of ketchup (catsup?). There's nothing more fun than putting your hand in a pile of ketchup right? So, she reaches for it.

Does the daddy of the two-year-old stop her? Of course, not. All this genius does is say, "Ketchup!!" Actually, it was more like "Keeeeeeehhhhhh-chup."

As I was washing the ketchup out of everything, I tried to come up with better reactions to seeing an eleven-month-old about to stick her hand in ketchup. Here's my list:

(1) Try to stop her arm. (I understand, some people are uncomfortable touching others' children, even in those circumstances...and I can respect that. However...)
(2) Move the plate away. (It was his kid's plate, so there is no excuse.)
(3) Try to distract her. (A father of a two-year-old has the experience in that least put in some effort, man!)
(4) Anything. Get up, walk away, grab a beer, put on a clown suit, I don't care. But, don't encourage my daughter to grab ketchup!

Keeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh-chup. I mean...come on!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Yankees 9, Detroit 3, Bad Parents 2: Oh Yeah...

Forgot this gem:

After the chair-falling, beer-juggling incident, Mrs. Row M, about half-way down her third beer, said, "I feel so 'Unparently.'" No, it's not a word, but yes, it was dead-on.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Yankees 9, Detroit 3, Bad Parents 2

With Newgrandma and Newgrandpa watching Bud, Newmommy and I climbed to Row N of the Tier Reserved section of Yankees Stadium yesterday, and watched the Bombers silence the Tigers 9-3. While Wang's pitching was uneventful, the young tag-team of Joba & Edwar pitched 3 perfect innings.
What made this victory so sweet was that the big "L" went to Bonderman. You remember Bonderman, right? More good news as we were leaving Yankee Stadium: the California, Los Angeles, Anaheim, Los Angeles of Anaheim....well, the West Coast Not Red Sox won, bringing the Yankees to within four of the AL East Crown. Stupid Seattle had to win and ruin my perfect day. Stupid day-ruiner.

Which brings me to Tier Reserved Row M, seats to two of the worst parents I have ever seen. Mr. & Mrs. Row M (and extended family) brought their adorable little three-year-old girl to see the game. Definitely a point in their favor. But, as an impartial ump...these parents are 0-1 in parenting in my book (big strikeout, definitely not 'looking'):

Strike One: letting the kid stand on her fold-down seat without supervision, leading to the inevitable fall and the even-more-inevitable giant bruise between the eyes.

Strike Two: waiting 1 1/3 innings to get up and get ice for the developing welt.

Strike Three: trying to carry out the kid in one hand, beer in the other.

The parents' combined beer total equaled the number of runs scored by the Yankees. That may have been acceptable in May, but not today.

P.S. Thank you Angels. You can stop winning now.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who tried to name their baby "@"? I'm not making this up! The couple meant well...the Chinese call the symbol "at" when its used in e-mail addresses (as is the case in English) and "ai ta" in Mandarin means "love him." But can you imagine the amount of spam that this kid's going to get??

[Feel free to insert whatever "where you at" joke you find most funny here...]

I like my idea better: auction the kid's name off. Before Bud was born, I had this idea to write to a number of major corporations, giving the right to name my child to the highest bidder. Think of it: "Continental Airlines Newfamily." Or "Coca-cola Newfamily." We're talking a whole lifetime's worth of publicity! Everywhere that kid went, he'd be a walking would be worth millions! Oh sure, it may screw the kid up for life, but certainly no more than naming the kid @! Also, the revenue would cover college. Plus, the kid would have first-hand experience in the field of marketing and advertising.

It didn't take Newmommy very long to drop the veto on that one.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Another Culinary Milestone

Bud had her first big chewy pretzel....

...merjanthfgrr....five dollars? Get out of here!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

I call this "Garage of a One-Year Old"

This is my once was the home to my car. It is now the home of my eleven-month-old's outgrown toys.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

We Have a Crawler!

Bud crawled for the first time today! Until now, she's gotten around by some kind of modified reach/roll maneuver, but today she full-on crawled across the kitchen floor. Over the last few weeks, she has been attempting to pull herself up on furniture to a stand position, and I thought she may be one of those babies who walks without crawling first. Guess not.

What was interesting was that she crawled the day after I removed the baby swing and bouncy-seat (both of which are outgrown...) from the kitchen. Maybe she needed the runway space!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Eww-yew Boo-boo Dew-dew

I am not a dog person. Even before Newmommy got pregnant, I have been scheming my side of the "Can We Get a Dog, Daddy?" discussion so that the end result is not one where I pick up an animal's feces with a plastic bag. Honestly, do you see those doodie-handlers? That's grosser than diaper changing, hands-down!

Good friends of ours got a dog two days ago. This dog happens to rank pretty high on the cuteness scale and, coming from me that's pretty huge. Not having been around dogs for much of my life, I didn't realize that getting a dog is a lot like bringing home a baby. First of all, a once one-language household becomes dual-language: English and babytalk. People talk to dogs as if they are babies..."whose mommy's good boy?" "Did shumone go pee-pee?" Second, dog responsibilities seem very similar to baby responsibilities. Last night, the couple we were with had to return to their home because the dog was alone. And, when we got there, they had to clean up doggy poop or puke, or whatever that brown stuff was. Third, dogs require "stuff"...squeeky toys, a bed, special food...soon, the owner's stuff is displaced for stuff for the new arrival. Finally (and to round out this nicely-structured third-grade-style four-point paragraph), dogs seem to instantly become the object of the family's affection, over everyone else...just like when you bring home a baby. I don't want to steal Louis C.K.'s bit from "Shameless", but it basically involves a once-close married couple bringing home their baby...their flesh-and-blood, the person for whom they would take a bullet, and then looking at each other asking, "who the fuck are you?"

So, no, we're never getting a dog. I can list the reasons (responsibilities, walking, the smell, etc.) But it's mostly the handling of dog poop. And, in the immortal words of Sarah Silverman, "I don't need two reasons when doody's involved."

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Happy Blog-o-versary to me

Today, I (and, you, I guess) celebrate the one-year anniversary of Newdaddy! What will the next year bring? Will I post the definitive treatise on how to stop a crying baby regardless of the circumstances? Will Bud write her own guest post before her second birthday? Will I learn to accept and not be annoyed by jerk-offs in parking lots who see me folding up a stroller and say, "Hey, Dad...having fun? I remember when I was doing that."

Happy Blog-o-versary, my faithful readers. (Including you, Mr. Google-search-for "fake breast in the movie Meet the Parents.)

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Then & Now

Wow, what a difference five years makes...the 2002 trip to Cape Cod is quite different than this year's. Let's look at the most memorable differences, shall we?

Total # of Children:
2002: one, a dog, if you consider that a child. I don't.
2007: three.

Song Stuck in My Head Throughout Trip:
2002: Nelly's "Hot in Heere" [sic]
2007: Laurie Berkner's "Let's go Swimming"

Most Common Reason for Leaving the Beach:
2002: Miller Time
2007: Nap Time

Most Frequent Program Played on TV:
2002: "American Idol" (Not my choice).
2007: Sesame Street's "Beginning Together" (Not my choice).

Most Frequent Game Played:
2002: Backgammon
2007: "Bud has a cup on her head"

Wake-up Time:
2002: There was one?
2007: 7am