Sunday, January 28, 2007

Deuce....deuce and a half, not bad!

Bud was constipated for a few days; and it looked really uncomfortable. Not that I think adult constipation is a picnic, but at 4-months old, it's really gotta suck. Taking a dump at that age looks terrible...first of all, you're sitting on your parent's lap. The privacy factor is just gone. don't even have the pleasure of a've got to sit in it until you're changed.

But the worst part looks like the pushing. Being four months, Bud has no idea how her body works, so when she pushes...she pushes! Her face turns red and she let's out a loud grunt. (Like the visual?) Lately, when she's done, she let's out a "wehew......" When that's over, I feel like she should have gotten more than a dump, she should have gotten a prize!

Anyway, her constipation ended yesterday with authority...if you know what I mean. And what's weird is: I'm psyched. I feel like she accomplished something. That's fatherhood- being psyched about a four month old dropping a deuce.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Kid's Art

I am in a particularly lazy mood today. I got home from work after Bud went to sleep because a client "needed" four documents completed tonight. So, rather than come up with something witty, I'm going to post this picture which cracked me up. It's an excerpt from some high school kid's physics test.

And, of course, here is a classic analysis of children's art.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Daddy, I Want an Oompa Loompa NOW!

Dear Cher's Parents from the episode of "My Super Sweet 16" I saw in a hotel Sunday morning,

We don't know each other, but I'd like to thank you.

This weekend, my wife and I took our first weekend getaway from our four-month-old daughter. We had left her for a night before, but never a weekend, and I was worried that I was a bad parent for wanting to take a weekend away with my wife. But, I realize after watching your show that I am actually a great parent.

Admittedly, I am not a usual viewer of MTV's "My Super Sweet 16." Until Sunday, I really didn't know that there was a show about girls getting ridiculous Sweet 16 parties. But, it was early in the morning, and "I Love New York" wasn't on for another few hours. Also, after one minute, I was hooked, as watching this show was like watching a train just kept getting worse and worse...from the $96,000 jaguar birthday present, to the $15,000 earrings, to the four dresses (by the way should be arrested for letting your girl out in that!), to the whiny scene where Cher complains that her PARTY ENTRANCE FLOAT wasn't perfect.

My wife and I quickly went from thinking that your daughter was a brat, to thinking you're just bad parents. I quote a very esteemed group from our history:

"Who do you blame when your kid is a brat? Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat. Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame. You know exactly who's to blame. The mother and the father."

Am I just complaining because I'm jealous? Maybe. I would love a $96,000 car, as I would have when I was in 10th grade. But I really hope that your daughter can cope with real life when she 'wants' something that you can't give her, and she can't get it.

But, in the end, I realize that leaving a baby with the in-laws for a weekend is hardly bad parenting and, so, I thank you for putting my life in perspective.



P.S. Make sure she's REALLY CAREFUL around golden egg chutes. Dad, you may want to take that advice too.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Dude...this scares me!

I know...Bud is four months old, and worrying about this is premature. But, I don't know how I am going to deal with her being a teenager!

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Baby-fish-mouth is Sweeping the Nation

Yeah, I quoted from "When Harry Met Sally." Whatcha gonna do?

Anyway, a word to the wise while you're "babytalking" to your child...take note of who is in the room with you. For example, it is not appropriate to say to your daughter: "who's my favorite girl?" while you're in the room with your wife, sister and mother.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Book Report: The Runaway Bunny

The back cover of "Goodnight Moon" has a picture of this book, "The Runaway Bunny," another of Margaret Wise Brown's classics. Bud enjoys Goodnight Moon, so I thought I'd give this one a try...and I just don't get it.

Here's the plot: there's a bunny who wants to run away. He tells his mother, and his mother says, "I will run after you." The bunny threatens to become a fish and swim away from her; whereupon the mother threatens to become a fisherman. This goes on for the remainder of the book: the kid wants to become a rock; the mother becomes a mountain climber, etc.

First of all, why does this bunny want to run away? Brown never explains that, but one can only assume that it's because of the mother bunny's overbearing nature. Imagine growing up in that household.

"Mom, I want to go to join the school's baseball team."
"Well, if you do, I'll turn into A-Rod and make your team lose so that you never travel away for post-season games."

"Mom, I want to go to college in California."
"Well, if you do, I'll join the Department of Homeland Security and make air travel restrictions so rigid that you'd never want to get on the plane to leave!"

Second, someone should teach this mother a thing or two about compassion. On the first page of the book, the little bunny says, "I am running away." If Bud said that to me, I would ask, "why do you want to run away?" and then try to talk the issue out. Instead, the mother gets right on the defensive and says "If you run away, I will run after you." The mother then gets on the phone with her friends and declares, "if that little bunny goes to Indochina, I want a rabbit hidin' in a bowl of rice waitin' to pop a cap in his ass."

At the end of the book, the mother says, "Don't you ever leave me...'cause I'd find you...."


Monday, January 08, 2007

Bud's Four-month Birthday

I am amazed at how fast Bud is developing. She seems completely different from even two weeks ago: then, she was just beginning to discover how her hands work, now, she is grabbing things "purposefully." (Apparently, the grab reflex should give way to "purposeful" grabbing.)

Another funny development is that Bud's discovering her voice (and her lungs). She makes these high-pitched squeal/laughs/screams. I do think these are social-laughs, as she does it at the appropriate times (for funny faces, funny sounds and when we play peek-a-boo).

Happy Birthday Bud!

Sunday, January 07, 2007

A kid's sense of humor...

So shoot me. I'm walking through Buy-Buy Baby and spot this book.

Huh, says "Balls."

Anyway...can someone explain to me who Elmo is? Yeah, I realize he's been around for a while, I remember the "tickle me Elmo" fad about ten years ago. My "Sesame Street" era was the late '70s/early '80s, and I don't think Elmo was a part of the cast back then. Neither was "Prairie Dawn" whose mother seems like your stereotypical neurotic Jewish mother. "I need to pack a diaper bag, oh, and I need wipes..."

Prairie Dawn's mom needs some lessons in parenting. First, she named her daughter after a shooter made with wait, that's a prairie fire...whatever, it's still a stupid name. But what really takes the cake is her failure to control her daughter. In one of the "Sesame Beginnings" DVDs that Bud's been into recently, Prairie Dawn is begging to finger paint, but it's time to get dressed. The mother comes up with a great idea to play "peek-a-boo" while getting dressed, and sings a whole song about it. Then, at the end of the song, after the little monster gets dressed, she sneaks into the finger paints and makes a big mess, clearly against her mother's wishes. All the mother says is "Oh, Prairie...peek-a-boo, I love you."

Terrible, terrible parenting.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Taking Breastfeeding to a Whole New Level

Billboard on Route 4 in New Jersey for the Hooters in Hackensack:

"Kids Eat Free on Tuesdays. Mom and Dad: $5 pitchers!"

I realize that being a father makes you see the world completely differently. It's like going to law school...after three years of law school, I read every contract before agreeing to them (yes, including the ones on the back of tickets for sporting events), I see potential lawsuits wherever I go, and, as my paralegals tell me, I have lost my sense of humor in place of jokes about SEC filings and misspellings in legal documents (in all fairness, sometimes they can be very funny).

But, do you really need to be a dad to find something wrong with this billboard? Should you really be taking your kids to Hooters? And if you are, should mom and dad be downing $5 pitchers?

The billboard made me think of this.