Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Anatomy of a Delivery

Sorry for the recent post delay, but as you can imagine, the last four days have been a whirlwind for your humble narrator. The delivery went something like this:


1pm: Went to Newmommy's OB appointment. OB told us that Newmommy was to be induced Friday morning, and we'd be spending the night in the hospital.

10pm: Checked into the hospital. After getting situated, I folded out the Craftmatic Chair-that-turns-into-a-bed-but-"chair"-and-"bed"-are- overstatements and "tried" to sleep. Newmommy, noticing my pain on the chair says, "you look uncomfortable." Mind you, she was in a hospital bed with an IV drip which was put in after two unsuccessful attempts. Yes, I was very comfortable.


2am: Assistant to the assistant anesthesiologist wakes us up to explain epidural risk factors and asks us to sign a consent form. Good legal question: is a consent form signed while a person is half-asleep and strapped to a hospital bed with an IV binding?

5am: Induction begins.

10am: Contractions begin. After about ten minutes, I sit down and draft a letter:
Dear Y Chromosome,
I know I don't say this very often, but thanks for being there for me.

10:20am: Epidural begins. Newmommy writes a similar letter to the anesthesiologist.

11am: "Maury" comes on the TV. It's an episode about 14 year-olds who want to have babies against their parent's wishes. "Whatever, I do what I want!"

12pm: I go out and get sandwiches for us. Food Services thought that Newmommy was anorexic because she didn't touch the meals they served her.

2pm: The Newgrandparents Committee begins its regular status checks. Status updates were requested every 20 minutes for the next 10 hours.

Newdaddy to Doctor: "Why can Newmommy eat ice chips, but not drink water?"
Doctor: "Don't ask questions to which I don't know the answer."

[N.B.: I realize this paints the wrong picture of our doctor, he actually was great. It was just a funny comment.]

6pm: Dialation continues, but (then-) Bud doesn't descend.

7pm: The doctor gives us a choice: C-Section, or try pushing for three hours and then most likely get the C-Section. In the immortal words of my father: "Duh!"

9pm: Newmommy goes into the OR (with me in scrubs...). I send my Y chromosome another thank-you note.

10:20pm: My daughter arrives! [David Bowie's "Changes" just came on the radio...] This is the part where I say that my daughter was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and looking at her made me melt. But, I promised I wouldn't do that, so I wont.

The remainder of the weekend (actually, until today, when we came home) was devoted to visits, and adjusting to my daughter's (lack of) sleep schedule. Still have a lot more adjustin' to do. But, that was to be expected as I was warned....

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